


Love Is a Long Long Road

by padawanhilary, Telesilla



Series: Long Long Road [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: BDSM, Biting, Fisting, Kink, M/M, Paddling, Pre-Canon, Rough Sex, Sex Toys, Wordcount: 30.000-50.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-05
Updated: 2010-06-05
Packaged: 2017-10-09 22:12:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/92161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padawanhilary/pseuds/padawanhilary, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telesilla/pseuds/Telesilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While shopping, two college students run into each other. Literally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Some things are hard to give up  
Some things are hard to let go  
Some things are never enough  
I guess I only can hope  
For maybe one more chance  
To try and save my soul  
But love is a long road  
Yeah love is a long long road_

"Love Is a Long Road" -- Tom Petty

 

_Palo Alto, California, September 1986_

Later, John supposed it was all his fault; although maybe Rodney was at least partly to blame. At the time, all he knew was that he wasn't paying any kind of attention to where he was going. He turned a corner, intent on getting a bag of Doritos off the shelf at the end of the aisle and...bam, walked straight into Rodney McKay.

Not that he knew it was Rodney yet.

"Oh fuck," he said, trying to keep his balance. "I'm so sorry."

Rodney glared at him, steadying himself with a grip on John's arm. "Watch where you're going, would--?" And then Rodney had to double-take. This guy was insanely hot, the kind of hot Rodney's roommate would growl at under his breath and say "Make me do bad math."

"Hi," he amended, letting go of John's arm and taking a step back. All of his usual snark dried up; normally, grocery shopping made him pissy as hell just because he didn't like spending the money, so anyone even half this hot would've ended up with the short fuse. Well. More of the short fuse than this guy already got.

_Oh fuck, he's cute,_ John thought, now that he could get a good look at the guy, who was staring at him with a pair of bright blue eyes. _Is he checking me out?_

"Hi," he said, slouching a little and giving a the guy a quick once over, just in case. He hoped that he was subtle enough that a straight guy would miss it, but really...he was kinda new at this whole thing.

Rodney's heart picked up speed as he caught that look. Guys like this just didn't pick up guys like Rodney. He was built without being crazy about it, and his hair looked like he'd just had sex. His eyes looked sleepy but intent at the same time, and it hit Rodney that he was staring. "Um. Sorry, I'll get out out of your way," he said, and shit, that was _not_ what he'd have wanted coming out of his mouth. "I'm Rodney," he added quickly, privately rolling his eyes at himself. _Smooth, McKay._

"John," John said, shifting his basket into his left hand before offering his right. Rodney still looked interested, and God knew John was. Not only was Rodney cute with his curly light brown hair and broad mouth, but it was Friday night and John had been away from home for over a month now and still hadn't gotten laid.

Rodney had to do the dancing and shuffling with his own groceries--a case of ramen and a 12-pack of Pepsi--before he could shake John's hand. "Nice to meet you," he said a bit lamely. "Sorry for, uh. You know, being short with you." He shrugged.

"S'okay," John said, not sure where to go from here. "I was just...." he trailed off and licked his lips nervously.

"Just what?" Rodney prompted, eager to stand here and talk longer just so he could keep looking at John, and oh, wasn't _that_ sort of pathetic?

"Huh...oh, thinking..." John wanted to bury his head in his hand. _I am so far from smooth that smooth might as well be on the fucking moon._

Oh. Rodney sucked at this sort of thing, but damn, he was being given an opening wide enough to tow a reactor through, and he was _really_ stupid if he didn't go in. Rodney McKay was many things, but stupid was not one of them.

"Hey," he said at once, shifting his hold on his ramen and soda, "um...since we're standing here trying to make conversation, do you want to...hang out?" He swallowed hard, knowing that was no kind of segue but unable to do anything about it. It was this or nothing.

"Sure," John said, smiling. It was kind of a relief; not only had Rodney made the first move, but he wasn't all that much more smooth than John himself. "You...um, you hungry? We could go get something to eat."

Rodney could practically feel his wallet cringing, but he nodded gamely anyway. No way was he letting this opportunity get away from him. "Sure. As long as it's cheap," he grinned, hoping it came off funny and not pathetic. He held up his would-be groceries and added, "College student."

Another relief; Rodney looked young enough that for a minute John had been afraid he was hitting on a high school kid. "Yeah me too," he said, looking down at his basket, which was filled with about $30 worth of grooming products. "But lemme get it. It's cool." It was more than cool really, using Dad's money to buy dinner for a guy he was hoping to blow.

As they headed toward the check out, he added, "What do you like?"

The question startled Rodney and shook him up--until he figured out that it wasn't _what do you like?_ as in sexual preferences, but _what do you want to eat?_ And then _that_ thought made his ears go hot. "Uh," he stammered, "um...well, you know, it's...whatever you want. I mean, if you're buying, I'm easy." _Oh, God, I did not just say that._

Rodney's double entendre damn near started a laugh out of John, but he bit it back in time. _Do not scare off the cute guy by sounding like a fucking muppet, Shep,_ he told himself. "How about that steak place a couple doors up?"

The girl checking his groceries looked from him to Rodney and smirked a little, but she didn't say anything. John fought back the urge to explain himself away; he wasn't at home or anywhere near home and while he hadn't chosen Stanford just so that he could pick up guys, it was still pretty amazing to not have to worry about what people thought.

Rodney caught that look, too, and he narrowed his eyes and glanced away. He'd been couching his own tendencies and desires long enough that doing it in front of the check-out girl was really grinding on him. Still, he managed to pay attention to a package of gum and then one of those stupid boxes of horoscope scrolls until it was his turn to check out.

Once they were both done, John smiled at Rodney. "Lemme toss my stuff in my car; I can meet you over there."

"Okay," Rodney nodded. He followed John out a little ways and then headed out toward his car, but not before he spotted the one John was loading up: a shiny, late-model BMW. Silver. Suddenly, Rodney was a lot more nervous. John's parents must be in stocks and bonds or something, and while he hadn't detected a cloud of swank around the guy, Rodney was still uncomfortable enough around that kind of society to worry about making an ass of himself.

John kept an eye on Rodney and, yeah, given the contents of Rodney's shopping card, he wasn't surprised to see that Rodney drove a Golf that had to be over five years old. _So he's smart and not here on Daddy's dime._ John wasn't either, well not exactly; he got into Stanford based on his grades, but most people tended to assume otherwise. He wondered if Rodney made that assumption.

John waited outside the restaurant and then grinned as Rodney joined him. "I don't know about you, but I'm starved."

"Me, too." Rodney grinned at John; this was starting to feel a little bit like a _date._ That was a big thing for a guy whose social life consisted primarily of spirited debates on the nature of the wavelengths affected by gravitational redshift. Or _Star Trek_. "And wow," he added dryly, "you have _no_ idea how happy I am that it's not ramen noodles. Or macaroni." As he stole another look at John, he realized he must be pretty comfortable with John already. Rodney wasn't usually anywhere near this clever around hot guys. Well...clever aside from the raging hormonally-driven nervousness.

"You're not in the dorms?" John frowned as he held up two fingers for the hostess. _How's he living off campus...he can't be a sophomore, can he?_, he thought as he followed the girl to a table.

"Oh, no," Rodney shook his head immediately. "Not since my sophomore year." And then he could feel himself flushing hot. Here it came: the whole "you're _how_ old?" bit, and the requisite combination of weirdness and awe that invariably followed.

"Wow, you must be pretty smart," John said. "You a junior, or a senior?"

For what seemed like a very long moment, Rodney considered lying. He didn't want to weird this guy out, seriously. But that didn't quite work for him, and anyway, he was a really crappy liar.

"I'm...uh." He cleared his throat. "I'm in the Masters program."

"Cool," John said, impressed. He wondered how old Rodney was; if he was anywhere near as young as he looked, he must have started college when he was fourteen or so. Looking at the "He's Dead, Jim" t-shirt Rodney was wearing, he smirked and took a chance. "So...I'm guessing...Art History? Maybe Medieval Lit?"

Rodney snorted softly, at ease with John's low-key reaction; he glanced down at his shirt and offered a little smirk of his own. "I'm actually at MIT; I'm just doing a quarter here at SLAC. You know, the accelerator lab?"

"You are? Cool," John said, and then winced. God he sounded like an idiot.

"And now that I've told you that," Rodney went on, "I have to kill you."

"You can just try," John said. "You know...to kill me." _Dork._

Rodney generally didn't want to talk about the accelerator lab or his own preternatural genius, but somehow it was starting to work for him. "Yeah?" he forged on, "how do you want to go?"

It was a weird, but kind of interesting, question and John pondered it while he gave the waiter his order. He'd never really given it a whole lot of thought, but he knew speed was involved somewhere. And flying. "Pulling...oh, eleven, maybe twelve Gs."

Well _that_ was new. Rodney leaned forward onto the table, lacing his hands together, and then of course the waiter picked that moment to arrive with their waters. He sat back as he realized he'd been leaning in too closely to pass off as platonic. It felt as though everything in his words, body language, tone of voice screamed out his attraction.

"Really?" he asked as the waiter moved away again. "Aeronautics?"

"Math and, if I can swing it, aeronautical engineering. I want to be a pilot, maybe a test-pilot, maybe the Air Force." John took a nervous sip of water. "I don't actually tell people that. You know...most of the time."

"Wow." Rodney nodded thoughtfully, looking down at his hands as he wondered if that "most of the time" meant people in general or guys who were probably hopelessly crushing on him. _Oh, don't be an idiot._ "Well, your secret's safe with me."

"Thanks," John shrugged. "So...are you going to teach? Research?" He grins. "Win a Nobel?"

"Research," Rodney grinned, "then win a Nobel, and then share my genius through teaching."

"You're a trip," John said, laughing. "I mean that in a totally good way."

"Thanks." Rodney's grin turned a little nervous. "And you--you're not exactly standard fare. I guess only around Stanford can an aspiring test pilot and a prodigal physicist run into each other at the grocery store," he admits.

"Could happen at Cal," John said, making a face. "But they'd be the low rent versions."

"Yeah," Rodney murmured. He _was_ the low-rent version next to John, and suddenly he was self-conscious again.

"So," John said after a moment of slightly uncomfortable silence. "Where are you from?"

"Canada," Rodney offered. "Toronto. My family's originally from Vancouver, though. We moved when I was little." And no, he had no real idea why he was spilling all of this out, but that blank look people got when Rodney tended to overexplain was nowhere in evidence.

"Toronto? I didn't realize you were Canadian." He grinned. "Never been to Toronto. Calgary once, for the Stampede; that was a lot of fun.

"I'm from DC," he added. "Well, Virginia, but the part that's just a big damn suburb of the District."

"Oh, you are," Rodney grinned. "I know just enough about the States to be dangerous. So what brought you out here? College? There aren't any decent schools back East?" He smirked teasingly.

"I thought about MIT, but that was a little too close to home. Dad wanted me to go to Harvard and eventually get an MBA but I'll be fucked if I'm gonna sit behind a desk for the rest of my life," John said, the words tasting bitter in his mouth as he remembered the argument. It should have been a shouting match, but god forbid Dad should ever do something as low-class as shout.

He shrugged, though, and managed a smile. Dad wasn't here, and Rodney was. "Also, there's nowhere to surf back there."

Rodney grinned broadly at that. "At least you didn't go to Harvard."

"God, no kidding. Can you imagine? Business classes and having to spend time with the same assholes I went to school with?"

Pleased that John wasn't one of those people who thought the moon rose and set by Harvard's alumni, Rodney was happy to keep teasing: "And we know the kind of idiots that Harvard churns out, thank God you weren't one of those."

John smirked, wondering what Dave would make of Rodney. Or what he'd make of John's plans for the rest of the evening. "Yeah," he said, after a bite of salad. Thinking about his plans made him realize that he still wasn't sure Rodney was on board and he didn't really know how to be sure.

"So," he found himself saying, "I suck at this but...are you gay?" Oh God, he couldn't believe he'd just come out and said it like that. He hoped Rodney wasn't too pissed.

Rodney's thoughts stuttered and failed. He took a breath and looked away, partly to take a second to recover, but also because he had to resist the deeply-ingrained urge to explain his attraction away. He didn't want to explain it away; this time, he wanted to own it, because he really wanted it returned.

"Yeah," he finally breathed, eyes on the leather seat back somewhere to John's right, "but no one here knows."

"Fuck, I didn't mean to just...you know...um, me too." And there it was. John had thought it, and God knew there had been times when he'd been seconds away from slapping his dad in the face with it, but he'd never said it. "Yeah," he added with a little more conviction, "me too."

He thought back to what Rodney had said and added, "I...won't tell anyone."

Rodney blinked, aware somehow that this had become important between them. It wasn't just awkward confessions about sexual orientation, it was the admission of mutual attraction, and it made Rodney's stomach go hot. "Thanks," he murmured, "I appreciate that."

Their booth was in a back corner of the place and there wasn't anyone around, so John took a chance and reached out to touch the back of Rodney's hand. "This is...I've never...I'm not used to this kind of thing." _Oh real real smooth there, Shep._

Rodney's gaze dropped to John's hand over his, and he felt himself flushing. "I'm--not either," he stammered. "At all. But this is--" He swallowed, then nodded stupidly, grinning.

"Is what?" John asked, with a grin of his own. "Okay?"

"Yeah." Rodney nodded again. "'Okay' is a start." He turned his hand under John's, fingertips just brushing John's skin before he had to pull back for the waiter's untimely return.

Although the food here was pretty good, John didn't really want to spend too much time over it. He ate quickly and was amused to see that Rodney did too, although he had no idea if Rodney wanted to get on to the next part of the evening or if he always attacked his food like this.

They talked, mostly about what they were working on for school. Or rather, Rodney talked; John had never met anyone who talked as fast as Rodney. He could barely follow the technical side of Rodney's conversation, but he knew enough to ask the occasional intelligent question, and once Rodney got started in on the stupidity of his professors, John just sat back and laughed. Rodney was a total trip and John was pretty sure he really was as smart as he said he was.

Before John knew it, the waiter was asking if they wanted dessert, and he shot Rodney a hopeful look. "Um...I was thinking I could hit the store and get us some ice cream?"

Rodney wasn't even thinking of that much. "Yeah, sounds great," he said automatically, wishing he had the nerve to say they should just skip dessert and go back to--well, John's place, hopefully. Rodney's was kind of a wreck.

John handed over his credit card and once the waiter had left, looked at Rodney nervously. "Um...I kind of hate to make assumptions, but...you still want to hang out, right?"

_Where 'hang out' equals have some kind of sex, hopefully._

"Yeah," Rodney said immediately, nodding again. "I mean...I promise I'm not just in this for the dinner." He grinned, then flushed as he realized how awful that sounded and added, "Maybe dinner and going somewhere quiet. Or -- you know. Whatever you want."

"Cool," John said, a little relieved that Rodney wasn't much better at this than he was. "Um...so where's your place? I should follow you over there."

Rodney grinned nervously. "My place is pretty bad right now," he admitted, but then he met John's gaze again and laughed. "But we can shove the laundry off the couch and stick some music on. It's not like you're going to be performing an inspection, and I'm kind of in favor of anything that gets us alone, even if it involves you seeing what a slob I am."

"Better than the dorms." John signed the bill, and then grinned at Rodney. "Shall we...?"

"Yeah," Rodney nodded, standing, and now that he was thinking about it, he seriously hoped Jeffrey still had that date tonight. "Um--if my roommate's there, we might end up in the dorm anyway. But he told me he was going out, and that means 'see you in the morning.' Not that...you know, we'll be...still doing anything in the morning, right? Or--if we 'do' anything, which we totally don't...shit," he finally sighed, shaking his head and moaning at himself.

"Relax," John said, with a smile. He rested a hand on Rodney's back for a moment. "We'll be fine."

Once they were outside, he glanced around and then steered Rodney to a dark alcove in front of a closed beauty supply place. "Can I kiss you?"

Rodney's heart was suddenly slamming against his ribcage, and he stared at John in the dark. "Yeah," he breathed, shifting a little closer, enough to meet John halfway.

Reaching up, John cupped Rodney's face between his hands and leaned forward. He kept the kiss slow and careful at first, not wanting to come on too strong. Guys were different than girls; you couldn't just assume they were going to follow your lead.

Stomach going hot and queasy, Rodney returned the kiss. It was so unexpected, being pulled into a corner like this, that he thought just for that fact it might be the hottest kiss he'd ever had. Besides that, John was _good,_ easy enough but with this heat lurking just underneath. Rodney wanted to find that, so he very carefully found John's tongue with his, groaning softly.

At that, John moaned into Rodney's mouth and pressed closer. Rodney was warm and John slid one hand down the back of his neck to his back, pulling him in. Suddenly greedy, he wasn't even sure what he wanted; there were too many possibilities. Right now though...right now, this was good, Rodney pressed up against him, kissing him...it was better than good.

John wanted to just push up against Rodney until he came, and for a moment, he couldn't really see why that wasn't the best idea in the history of ideas. But no, he wasn't going to start things off with public sex, and so he finally pulled back, just a little, and leaned down, resting his forehead on Rodney's shoulder. "Maybe someplace a little...more private?" he panted. "Before I embarrass myself?"

Rodney nodded quickly. "You and me both," he assured John, petting John's shoulder as he tried to will his own heart to slow down.

"So," John said, his voice still a little shaky. "If you'll give me directions...I'll meet you at your place."

Fortunately, John knew the area Rodney lived in; he wasn't sure he could have memorized anything complicated. "Okay...see you there in fifteen?"

"Definitely," Rodney nodded, and then he couldn't help but add, "I'm really, _really_ looking forward to this."

"Me too," John said, leaning in to give Rodney a quick kiss. He wanted to kiss Rodney harder, but that would just lead back to more making out and he wanted more than that. _At the very least, making out with fewer clothes._

He watched for a minute as Rodney headed toward his car, and then ducked back into the grocery store. Ice cream was easy enough, but finding and then paying for the tube of lube and the pack of condoms was totally embarrassing; he felt like he had "FAG" written across his forehead in bold red letters. In reality, the middle-aged lady at the check stand looked bored as she took his money and gave him his change.

In spite of that, his heart was still racing as he got into his car and made the short drive to Rodney's apartment complex. Before heading up to the door, he tucked the KY and the condoms into his pockets; it'd be kind of embarrassing to have them in the bag with the ice cream and John didn't want Rodney thinking that he was making assumptions about where this night is going. In fact...he wasn't sure where it was going but he wanted to be ready for any eventuality.

"Hey," Rodney said as he opened the door. He'd managed to clear out the living room a little, at least getting the glasses and clutter off the table. "C'mon in," he said, gesturing toward the kitchen. He actually opened his mouth to offer John something to drink with the ice cream, like an idiot, before he realized that he didn't really want to be eating or drinking right now. He rubbed his hands on his thighs, then opened the freezer for John to put the ice cream away.

John didn't really pay much attention to the apartment, and he just pushed the ice cream in without looking at what he was doing. That done, he reached out, grabbing a hold of one of Rodney's belt loops and pulling him in for a kiss.

_Oh, thank God,_ Rodney thought a little disjointedly. He met the kiss with open hunger, resting his hands on John's shoulders. It wasn't the likeliest place to make out, but it sure beat a dark shop doorway. Here, they were alone, and the couch was just over there.

Just like that, John was hard again, and he moaned into Rodney's mouth, wondering if he was going to come in his pants like a fifteen year old. Guys were just _better_ and if that made him a fag, well then, he guessed he was a fag.

Moaning a little brokenly, Rodney dropped one arm around John's waist, pressing up against him eagerly. John felt so lean and solid, and Rodney realized it had been just a little too long since the last time he'd managed to hit it off so well with someone.

"God," John panted when they had to pull apart for a moment. His chest was heaving like he'd run a marathon. "Fuck...this is...." Lacking words, he moved in again and kissed Rodney again.

Rodney let out a small noise that was meant to be agreement. They had to get out of the kitchen, though, because his instinct was already to grind against John's front, and he didn't really want to come standing up. He started to back them toward the living room, hoping to at least get to the sofa before orgasms happened.

That they managed to make it to the middle of the living room without tripping over anything--or one another--was something of a minor miracle and John breathed out a sigh of relief as he fell backwards, pulling Rodney down on top of him. "Want," he said, and then, "need...you...this...."

"What?" Rodney breathed, raising his head to look at John. "I mean--what specifically?" But then he had to have John's mouth again, groaning into it as he pressed his hips downward against John's.

Anything John might have wanted to say vanished and he pressed up against Rodney's wiry strength. Wrapping an arm around him, he ran his hand down Rodney's back and rested it on his ass, pulling him even closer.

Somehow, that startled Rodney into another moan. He pushed up into John's hand and then down against his hips again, dragging him into another long kiss. He didn't want John disappearing after they came, aside from wanting to make this last, so he made himself stop grinding, shivering as his cock ached harder.

"Wha...?" John blinked and tired to focus. "Rodney? You okay?"

"Yeah," Rodney nodded quickly. "Yeah, just--uh. Kinda wanting it to not be over so fast." And that wasn't the half of it, but he couldn't quite make himself say the rest.

"Yeah?" John grinned. "That's cool, I'd rather not come in my jeans. Um...maybe we can...you do have a bed, right?"

"No," Rodney deadpanned to cover another spike of nerves, "I sleep on the couch." He grinned shakily and pushed up. "C'mon."

"Dude, I know guys who do." John laughed as he sat up. "But they're mostly surfers."

Rodney gave him a hand up, and then he led the way back to the bedroom. It was a cramped, dark little room, stacked high with books and audio cassettes of readings, and quantum philosophies and physics lectures. Piles of laundry lurked in the corners, and the bed sat there unmade. Rodney thought it had never looked so good to him before.

Rodney's room was bigger than John's and his bed.... "You have a double," he blurted out and then felt like an idiot. His bed back at home was a queen, but right now, he wouldn't trade anything for being right here. "Sorry...just, it's all singles in the dorm, you know?"

"Yeah," Rodney nodded, grinning a little. He faltered for a second and then pulled his shirt over his head, suddenly self-conscious of his body even if the idea had probably been to get naked.

Somehow, shucking his shirt was a lot harder here than it was at the beach in full view of anyone walking by. John was tan and in fairly good shape, but he was also as hairy as a yeti and his shoulders were narrow and bony. Rodney was pale, but for all that he was pretty slim too, he had better shoulders than John did. "You...you look good," John said.

Rodney blinked. _John_ thought he looked good...well, that was enough, then. Rodney pulled him close with a hand on his back and kissed him again, sliding his other hand over John's chest, enjoying the prickle and slide of the hair under his palms and the solid muscle underneath.

John's hands moved to Rodney's waist and then to the small of his back; Rodney was warm, putting off heat like a furnace, and John liked it. Actually, John liked all of it: Rodney's closeness, the feel of skin against skin, the pressure of Rodney's mouth against his and the feel of Rodney's hard-on pressing against John's thigh.

Groaning, Rodney had to pull back again, resisting the urge to shove his erection against John's leg. He backed off just enough to get his hands to his belt, but he had to lean in and kiss John again, and that left him frantically toeing out of his shoes and trying to shove his pants off without breaking the kiss.

John kicked off his own shoes and then reached down and pushed Rodney's hands aside. Even though his own fingers were shaking, he managed to get Rodney's belt and jeans undone. He pulled back from Rodney a little and went down on his knees, taking Rodney's jeans and boxers with him.

"Jesus," he muttered; Rodney's cock was right _there_ and John leaned forward and kissed it, right under the head.

Startled, Rodney let out a grunt, staring down at John. No one had ever gone after him like John was, and it was flattering and scary and really fucking exciting.

Rodney hadn't pulled back or tried to stop him and so John moved up just a little and took the head of Rodney's cock into his mouth, tongue moving over it as he sucked. This...yeah this he could do and do well. _If there was _one_ thing I learned at school...._

Flailing for balance, Rodney settled his hands onto John's head just so he wouldn't end up on the floor. "Fuck," he whispered, stunned at how _good_ John was, at how his tongue slid over Rodney's cock just perfectly, like it knew right where to go. "I'm not--" he choked out, "not gonna--_John_..."

John would have grinned if he could, but instead he slid his hands up Rodney's thighs to his hips. With another lick right under the head of Rodney's cock, he took a deep breath and went down, relaxing his throat. Pulling back, he snatched another breath and did it again, going lower this time. _A little practice and I bet I can take it all._

For an instant, Rodney was so distracted by what John was doing that he completely forgot he'd just been seconds away from coming. "Oh my--fuck," he managed to get out, voice soft and a little broken. He gripped John's shoulder tightly to keep from taking a handful of hair and added quickly, the words all rolling out at once, "Really _really_ close, John, like, you're going to have to make a decision _right now._"

Pulling all the way off, John grinned up at Rodney. "It's okay." He licked his lips. "I swallow."

He grabbed another breath and then went down again, gripping Rodney's hips tight and sucking hard. _C'mon...._

"Oh thank God," Rodney blurted softly, and then he watched his cock disappearing into John's mouth and it was over: he choked out a desperate groan and came, hips jerking as he tried not to shove himself down John's throat.

As he swallowed and did his best to hold Rodney up, John had to force himself not to laugh at that "thank God." Really though, Rodney was kind of funny. He sure as hell wasn't like anyone John had ever had sex with. _Maybe he's in the closet, but he's not all weird and guilty about it. He doesn't think it's wrong._

When he finally pulled back, John leaned in and nuzzled Rodney's hip a little. "Careful," he said. "Don't trip over your pants."

"You're lucky I'm not on the floor," Rodney breathed, sloppily kicking his pants off. "Come here, get on the bed."

John shoved his pants and boxers down before settling down. He grinned up at Rodney. "Gonna join me?"

Rodney nodded and climbed in next to John, trying to cover for the fact that he'd been gaping. John was seriously hot, the kind of guy who just...didn't go for Rodney. _But he's here. In my bed._ Rodney decided to quit second-guessing and kiss John again, grunting softly when he tasted himself.

Moaning into Rodney's mouth, John reached out and slid his arms around Rodney's waist. "Feels good," he murmured when they pulled apart for a moment. "You feel good," he added, wanting to be clear.

"So do you," Rodney murmured, and yeah, he was a little surprised at how well they fit together, how good John felt up against him. In the past, he'd tended to do the rundown of explanations in his head: biological imperatives, hormones, endorphins, adrenaline...this time, though, he just lay there looking at John and going, _wow._

John felt his face going a little hot; Rodney was looking at him like he was something special and John wasn't sure what to make of it. He wanted to duck his head, but he settled for looking back at Rodney, which wasn't exactly a hardship; Rodney was pretty fucking hot.

It took Rodney a few seconds to realize he hadn't returned the favor yet, so he gave John another quick kiss, passing his hand down to John's hip and then inward, oddly nervous now. "You want the same thing?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"Actually," John says, gasping a little as Rodney's hand brushed his dick. "I was hoping to get fucked at some point this evening." He grinned up at Rodney. "You know, if you're okay with that."

Rodney had no idea if he looked as thrilled and terrified as he felt or if he was actually doing a good job couching his expression. "Yeah," he said a little thickly, and then he cleared his throat. "Yeah."

Rodney's hand brushed against John again and he couldn't help himself; his hips bucked up a little and he caught his breath. "Of course, if you keep doing that...."

Grinning, flattered, Rodney nuzzled at John's mouth and stole another kiss. "Well, do you want to get off while you wait for me to rise from the dead?"

"Please," John breathed, before kissing Rodney back.

Fuck, Rodney was pretty sure that word wasn't meant to sound so hot, but there was something about John saying it like this, now, that really got to him. He bit at John's bottom lip playfully as he pulled back to slide downward, trailing his mouth over John's chest and stomach as he went. "I'm pretty sure," he murmured between kisses along the trail of hair leading to John's cock, "that I don't give head as great as you do. Just so you know."

'Right now," John said, reaching down and sliding his fingers lightly through Rodney's hair. "It's not gonna take much. At all."

"Okay." Rodney's mouth was still sliding along a hip, teasing his way closer. "I swallow, too." In reality he never had, but something about this, about John, made him want to.

"Please," John murmured again, trying to keep still as Rodney's breath gusted warmly over his cock. He had to bite his lip at the first touch of Rodney's tongue. _Jesus, I thought I had some control._

Groaning softly, Rodney angled John's cock up with his hand and drew the head into his mouth, sucking inexpertly as he slid downward. He couldn't get very far, and it was surprisingly tricky to move his tongue around the way he wanted to, but the _noises_ John was making...Rodney would happily stay here between John's legs all night to keep hearing those.

"Oh fuck," John muttered. Rodney was a little hesitant and as much as John wanted to push into Rodney's hot, slick mouth, he help back, clinging to the sheets. "Oh God...Rodney...."

"Mmm." Rodney pushed down further, tightening his lips around the shaft and working what he couldn't go down on with his hand. He promised himself that later, he'd tell John what a turn-on it was to listen to him get head.

"I'm...." That was as much warning as John could manage, because just as he spoke, Rodney did something with his tongue and his hand and really, that was all it took. John came with a harsh groan, his hands twisting in the sheets.

Jerking a little as the first spurt hit his tongue, Rodney nevertheless stayed right there, managing to get most of it and not make too much of a mess. He pulled off with an indelicate slurp and wiped his mouth discreetly. "Okay?" he asked as he climbed back up again.

"I'll let you know when I can think again," John said, still breathing hard. He reached up, cupping a hand around the back of Rodney's neck and pulling him down for a kiss. _This has been fantastic and we're not done yet. Thank God I went shopping when I did._

Rodney moaned into John's mouth, settling next to him and rubbing a hand over John's chest. "Wow," he breathed when the kiss broke. "Really, really good."

"Yeah," John said, grinning broadly and not caring if it made him look like a dork. "What're the odds?"

That made Rodney laugh, and he buried his face in John's neck. "Given that we're probably both perpetually horny, probably around 100 percent. But it's been a while for me, so 115 percent."

"All work and no play?" John is still trying to get it through his head that Rodney's doing post-grad work. "You should come hang out at the beach with me."

"I don't know when I'd have time," Rodney admitted, pillowing his head on his arm to watch John as they talked. "This program...I'm reminded every damned day that I'm _the_ exception to the rule, and while I might represent the bulk of the brains on the operation, I'm not above getting removed from the program if I turn out to be a failure in the experiment of lowering the age requirements of the grad program..." He made a yakking-mouth gesture and sighed.

"That sucks," John said. He hesitated before adding, "if you can grab a minute here or there...I do have spare time."

Propping up onto an elbow, Rodney smiled a little. "I might be able to squeeze out a few minutes here or there." In fact, he decided, he was definitely going to. He'd _make_ some time.

"Cool." John reached out and pulled Rodney down, kissing him hard. He'd think about it later, about how he suddenly seemed to have acquired a boyfriend and how he'd been the one to suggest that this be more than a one night stand. Right now, he was happy enough to leave thinking behind.

Settling over John again was easy--easier than anything like this had been in a long time. Rodney could feel himself responding, too, and maybe it was the newness or the fact that yeah, it had been a while since he'd gotten off, never mind with anyone other than himself, but he could swear he was getting hard again faster than he had last time.

The fact that he could feel Rodney getting hard against his thigh made John feel a little better about the fact that he was getting interested again too. "So," he said, pressing up against Rodney. "Wanna fuck?"

"That," Rodney said as he pushed up and over John, "is a pretty ridiculous question." He burrowed into John's neck, kissing and biting gently.

"Oh fuck," John gasped as Rodney's teeth happened to find a sensitive spot on his neck. He tilted his head back, his hands going tight on Rodney's arm. "God...."

"You sound so hot," Rodney groaned, latching onto that same spot and biting a little harder, just testing.

John groaned loudly, clinging. Rodney's teeth on his skin felt fantastic; the little bit of pain was just perfect and he wanted more without knowing how to ask for it.

The groan was enough, though, and Rodney tended to like pushing boundaries anyway. He licked the skin, sighing happily, and then bit for real, holding on, just listening to the noises John produced in response. He could get used to this: the sounds, the heat, just wanting John this much and knowing John wanted him back.

"Oh fuck," John gasped. There would probably be a mark from Rodney's teeth, but it felt so fucking good that John really didn't care. "Oh God...oh fuck...c'mon, fuck me...."

"Just like this?" Rodney breathed, pushing his hand down between them and tucking his hand between John's legs. The nerves kicked in then; this was new to him, though he understood the mechanics of it, of course. "Or do you want to turn over?" And that, he figured, would make no difference. Facing John or behind him, this was probably going to burn Rodney alive.

John wasn't sure he was in any state to make decisions right now, but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to see Rodney's face while Rodney fucked him. "Like this, if that's okay." He paused, there was something....

"Oh hey, I got stuff at the store when I got the ice cream. It's in my pants pockets."

"Oh." Rodney grinned abruptly. "That's great. They're--where are they?" He looks around, a little glad for the break in the intensity. He didn't tend to get attached to people so quickly, but the chemistry here was pretty amazing.

Looking around a little dazedly, John located his pants on the floor. "Over there," he said gesturing in the general direction of his jeans.

Rodney clambered down to get them, rummaging through the pockets and coming away triumphantly with a strip of condoms and a tube of KY. "Good thinking," he breathed, kneeling up between John's legs again and tearing into a condom with his teeth. He considered admitting to his virginity, but right now all he wanted was this, here, now, with John, and he didn't want to ruin anything by talking too much.

"I was never a boy scout," John says with a slightly shaky laugh, "but I'm all about being prepared."

"It's very much appreciated," Rodney nodded, and he put the condom onto himself, fumbling with it a little before getting it right. Then there was the matter of the lube, which posed its own problems: he'd never prepped anyone, ever. That was when he realized he needed to be a little more forthright than he'd planned. "Um..."

"Yeah?" John asked, looking up and blushing a little when he realized he'd been staring at Rodney's cock.

"Well." Rodney considered his words, then just blurted out, "I've never done this; I'm a virgin."

"Oh?" John grinned up at Rodney and held out his hand for the lube. "It's okay, you've gotta start somewhere, right?"

Once Rodney handed over the lube, John paused for a minute. "You want me to do it, or do you want me to walk you through it?" This was actually kind of a good thing; the pause was making him a lot less desperate.

_Maybe I won't lose it five minutes in._

Rodney's first thought was that he should just let John do it, but he wanted to be a little more proactive than that. "Talk me through it," he said, and then he flushed as he added, "I want to see what you feel like."

John caught his breath a little; so much for not being desperate. After grabbing a pillow and shoving it under his hips, he reached for Rodney's hand and lubed up one of his fingers. "Okay, just push in slowly...."

It took Rodney a second; he couldn't see down there incredibly well, so he had to use his dry hand to spread John open a little, but then he was rubbing questioningly at John's hole. "Like this?" he asked, pushing in a scant half-inch.

"Yeah," John said breathlessly. He spread his legs and tilted his hips up a little. "Yeah...like that."

Slowly, Rodney pushed his finger in, torn between staring at its progress and watching John's face. He ended up going with the latter, too fascinated with the way John held his breath and then let it out over and over, with the way his expression had gone wide-eyed and hopeful. It was a good look on him, Rodney decided.

It had been a couple of months since the last time John had done this, and, as Rodney's finger moved carefully inside him, he wondered why he'd gone so long without it. "Good," he said, opening his eyes and staring up at Rodney. "Now, pull out and go back in with two, okay?"

Nodding, Rodney drew his hand back and considered the angle, then tucked his fingers together. It seemed way too tight for that, but he went forward anyway, his free hand resting on the juncture of John's hip and thigh. "Okay?" he breathed as his fingertips get just inside, and his breath caught at how hot it felt.

"Good," John grunted, catching his breath a little at the burn. "Really," he added quickly, wanting to assure Rodney. "It's okay."

There was a little more tension then, so Rodney slowed down. John saying it was okay and his body taking it could well be two different things. "Really?" he asked, pushing a little forward anyway, really wanting to take John at his word.

"Yeah, really..." John arched a little, pressing against Rodney's fingers. "It's...there's a little burn but really...it's good."

Nodding, Rodney drew out, then thrust his fingers experimentally, testing the give and stretch of the muscle and really getting into the way it felt around his fingers.

"Fuck," John moaned. "That's...yeah, Rodney." He really wanted to tell Rodney that it was enough, that he was ready. He was; he could take it, but he didn't want Rodney to get the idea that two fingers were enough for everyone. "Spread your fingers a little...yeah, like that."

"Damn," Rodney moaned, working his fingers the way John directed until he could feel everything loosening up inside. He was aching now, cock leaking precome.

"Uh huh...." John took a deep breath and tried to be a little more articulate. "Just one more finger...'k?"

Rodney nodded, pulling those fingers out and taking the lube back to get his fingers wet again. Once he was ready with that, he really had to work to figure out how the angle went. "I'm not sure--" he started to say, and then his fingertips slipped in and his breath caught. "Okay?" he asked, glancing up at John.

After a moment, John managed to stop biting his lip. He opened his eyes and nodded. "Yeah...please...keep going? It's good...really good."

Rodney had to admit it was pretty damned hot to hear John rendered so inarticulate. He pressed his fingers forward, shifting on his knees a little as he pumped them inward.

Moaning, John worked his hips, trying to match the rhythm Rodney had fallen into. "God," he gasped. "Fuck me...c'mon, I'm fucking ready." Rodney pushed forward again and John caught his breath and bit his lip before speaking again. "Please?"

Only just stopping himself from yanking out his fingers, Rodney got his hand free and then wiped it. "Just like this?" he asked, watching John's face as he settled his hips against John's. This was hotter than anything Rodney had ever done; his heart was pounding with it, and he knew he wasn't going to last long once he got in.

"Yeah...oh fuck yeah...c'mon, please?" John reached down, trying not to let his eagerness make him clumsy, and took hold of Rodney's cock, guiding it into place. "Just like ...this."

"Ohhkay," Rodney moaned out as John touched him, and he nudged his way forward on his knees, trying to get into a more stable position. That first push in was just insanely good, and he choked out a soft breath, dropping his head down and trying not to shove his hips forward.

It hurt--even three fingers weren't a match for Rodney's cock--but John had expected it to and he actually liked the burn. He moaned, long and low, and let go of the sheets he'd been clinging to. Grabbing onto Rodney's biceps, he took a deep breath and pushed up with his hips, taking Rodney all the way in.

Shuddering, Rodney cried out softly, stunned. "Fuck," he breathed, staring down at John, at where he was buried inside him. "Fuck," he managed again; it was all that would seem to come out.

In spite of the fact that he could hardly breathe, John huffed out a ghost of a laugh. "Yeah...that's the general...idea here." He moved again and looked up at Rodney. "Slow," he said. "And steady."

Nodding quickly, Rodney drew back, hissing in a breath through his teeth. The push back in was sheer, unadulterated bliss, and he was making fists in the sheet under John unconsciously.

Rodney didn't seem to be having any trouble with the rhythm and John stopped worrying about teaching and just let himself relax and enjoy the ride. Although really, enjoy was too mild a term. It was good, shockingly good given that Rodney was new to the whole thing, and John managed a breathy laugh.

"Fast learner...." he managed to get out, hoping Rodney would realize that John wasn't laughing at him.

Huffing out an answering laugh, Rodney drew back for another thrust, digging his knees into the mattress. He remembered the biting, how much John was getting off on that, and that made him try a harder thrust, just a little bit rougher.

"Oh fuck!" John yelped. "Fuck..." He spread his legs wider and did his best to keep up with Rodney. "So good," he moaned. "So good...so good...."

"Just like that," Rodney whispered a little disjointedly, and then he was pushing in sharply again.

John had never been with anyone who had figured him out the way Rodney had. Beyond words now, he just clung to Rodney's arms and moaned loudly. He was close, damn close, ready to come just from this.

For Rodney's part, he was staring down at John, overwhelmed. He'd thought he would come immediately, but it was so good, almost too good, that distracted him from orgasm somehow--and then he turned the corner and was close, every quick shove in and slow pull back sending sparks down his spine.

"Please," John gasped, and okay, maybe he wasn't beyond words. "Oh please please please...."

Rodney pushed his hand between them, but it was too much to try to maintain the fucking and stroke John off at the same time. "You're gonna have to," he got out, bracing his hands on the bed to fuck John even harder. "Not gonna take long," he added by way of a warning.

Before John could manage to get a hold of his dick, Rodney pushed in _hard_ and just like that, John yelled and came, digging his fingers hard into Rodney's biceps.

Staring, stunned, Rodney choked out a breath as he watched John go over, _Never even touched himself,_ he marveled. His own orgasm crept up on him then, and he came with a gritted yelp, shuddering as he buried himself one last time.

Panting hard, John let himself sag back onto the bed. "Fuck," he murmured when he finally had breath to speak. "Jesus...that was...fuck."

"Yeah." Rodney's breaths slowed a little at a time, and he splayed a hand out for balance on the mattress as he dropped the other down between them. He secured the condom as he drew back, hating this little pause, this stupid reality check while he tied the rubber off and tossed it.

Still feeling a little boneless, John rolled over onto his side and lazily pulled Rodney down to join him. "Best ever," he said. "Really."

"Uh," Rodney agreed, grabbing the sheet to tug it up over them before getting down to really wrapping himself around John. _I just lost my virginity,_ he thought, but that wasn't the amazing part; the real trip was that he'd lost it with John. "Yeah," he nodded a little stupidly, figuring John could use a little more than grunts for conversation. "Fantastic."

John grinned a little; while he wasn't about to mention it, but Rodney was kind of cute when he was speechless. John got the feeling that it didn't happen all that often. "Yeah," he echoed, moving in a little closer. "S'okay to relax...."

"You know what," Rodney said at length, taking a breath, "you could--if you want to, maybe you don't--but you could stay the night."

After a hastily smothered yawn, John leaned in and gave Rodney a kiss. "That'd be great, thanks."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney's noticed something intriguing about John.

_Palo Alto, California, September 1986_

John was trying to hide a ridiculous grin as he knocked on Rodney's door, pizza in one hand and the six-pack he'd been carrying in the other on the hall way floor. After a few nights spent together here and there, they hadn't seen each other for several days. Rodney had been buried in work and John had taken the time to do some of his own work and get in some surfing. Now, however, they both had time, and Rodney's roommate was off spending the weekend with his girlfriend.

Rodney trotted to the door, grinning himself. He'd actually straightened up the apartment and dimmed the lights, providing a--well, a romantic atmosphere, really. There were things that he wanted to talk to John about, but they weren't make-or-break. Rodney wanted the two of them to be relaxed.

"Hi," he greeted as he opened the door, offering a breathless smile and taking the beer. "You look great." John was dressed in his standard jeans and one of those godawful Sex Wax t-shirts, but Rodney thought John was the best thing he'd seen since...well, since the last time he'd seen John.

Still carrying the pizza, John followed Rodney into the apartment. "Looks good," he said after glancing around. It was kind of sweet that Rodney had actually tidied up, but John wasn't about to say that.

Once Rodney had pulled a couple beers out of the six pack and put the rest in the fridge, John put the pizza down on a counter and reached out, snagging one of Rodney's belt loops and pulling him in for a kiss.

Pleasantly surprised, Rodney moaned into John's mouth and wrapped an arm around him. This was so good, just kissing in the kitchen, that for a long moment, Rodney forgot that he'd wanted to discuss anything.

John was more than happy to let Rodney lead, which Rodney did, pushing John up against the door of the fridge. It was good, really good, and John got hard fast, thinking about how much he liked being manhandled. "Yeah," he muttered when they broke for air. "Nice...."

"That's--yeah," Rodney groaned, watching John's face as he tried to get his words together. "Sort of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Kissing?" John asked, raising an eyebrow. Rodney didn't sound put out or worried or anything that would make John worried, but still, John wasn't a huge fan of talking about stuff. "Wanna eat while we talk?"

"Sure," Rodney nodded; eating was never a problem for him, as John well knew. "And--no, not about kissing." He looked toward the fridge as he backed away to give John room. "I meant about the--the pushing-biting thing."

"Okay," John said, hoping he was hiding the little catch in his breath. He grabbed a roll of paper towels and the pizza and headed for the living room. "Is...is it weird for you?" he asked as he settled on the couch.

"No," Rodney said quickly, following after with the beers. "No, I think...maybe we should...." He sighed. He didn't like conversations like this; they were too hard to put into actual words. "Every time we get together, it's a little more intense," he tried, frowning as he sat and then adding hurriedly, "which is fine. I just don't know how much is too much or if I'm getting close to that line or if there even _is_ a line." And he raised his eyes to John's, hoping _any_ of that made sense and he wouldn't have to spell it out further.

"Un...yeah," John said. "I mean no, there's no line...or maybe there is, but I don't know where it is." He blinked. "Okay, that made no sense. But see," he continued, his face hot. "I read this porn, you know? Kinky stuff and it really gets me off. But I don't know...I've never...."

"Oh." Somehow, it made Rodney feel a little better that John was coming at this from a not-much-more knowledgeable standpoint than he was himself. "What's in it?" he asked, not even bothering to hide his eagerness. "The porn, I mean."

"Handcuffs and rope and spanking and collars and...." John ducked his head a little, realizing that he was really answering a different question--what's in the porn that you want? "And more hardcore stuff too," he added.

"Oh?" Rodney swallowed hard, already stiffening in his jeans. "More hardcore like what?" He couldn't even begin to process some of those other items--spanking? Really?--but the way his gut heated up at the sound of them was undeniable.

"Like...um, you know...whips and chains and stuff like that." John took a long swallow of beer. "And master and slave stuff...not sure what to make of that." He was only half-lying; he didn't know much, but he did know that what sounded good when he was alone with his hand on his dick might not work in real life.

Rodney found himself squirming a little, and maybe this should make him more nervous than turned on, but that was sure not happening. "What--uh. What about the master and slave stuff? I mean, what have you read about?"

"It's just...you know, porn." John bit his lip. "So these twinks end up getting picked up by leatherdaddies in clubs and eventually the older guy takes the twink on as his boy." He shook his head. "Aside from the whole gay aspect and all the S/M along the way, they're a lot like the romances my mom used to read where everyone falls in love and lives happily ever after."

Rodney considered that, staring at his fingers as he picked at the seam of his jeans. "I mean," he clarified, forcing himself to raise his eyes to John's, "what parts--I mean, what do they do? What does it involve?"

"Um...you mean the slave part of it? About what you'd expect; the slave waits on the master hand and foot...does all the chores and all that too, but it's usually about the sex and doing whatever the master wants in bed." John tried to keep his tone light, usually he paid more attention to the pain and bondage aspects of the porn he read, but he'd be lying if he said that he'd never wonder what it felt like to kneel down and do whatever a top told him to do.

_Of course, there's the fact that I'd probably suck at it._

"Oh." Rodney dropped his eyes again. "I don't know how I'd feel about some of that. I mean--I don't know about any of it," he added quickly, shaking his head, but then he realized he was copping out. He was trying to find a way into this without actually addressing it, and that was never going to work.

Sucking in a slow breath, he made himself meet John's eyes again. "What parts turned you on, specifically?"

"I'm not looking for a master," John said, and yeah, that part was true. "But some of the other stuff...the pain and the bondage and the rough sex...well, you've seen how much I like it when you bite me."

"Like...if I held you down and fucked you?" Rodney wrapped a hand around John's wrist, considering it. It might be tame next to whips and chains and stuff, but at the moment it was so exciting to Rodney that it almost hurt.

"Yeah," John said, catching his breath. "Yeah. You could tie me down. I mean if you wanted to."

Tightening his hand on John's wrist, Rodney thought about that. "Do you have stuff for that?"

John shook his head, trying to think past anything but Rodney's grip on him. "You must have something...a crappy tie you don't care about? A bathrobe with a belt?" He twisted his hand a little, more testing Rodney's hold than trying to escape from it.

Rodney just clamped down harder. "Maybe. I like the idea of just holding you down."

"Okay," John said. "Really really okay." And it was; Rodney didn't seem to be expecting John to be a slave or anything, but he seemed have no problem telling John what he wanted. And that, in addition to Rodney's hand on his wrist, had John's dick throbbing.

Rodney turned John's wrist up, studying the underside, suddenly fascinated with the softness of it, the idea of what "rough sex" might actually mean with John. He brought John's wrist up to his mouth to close his teeth over the tender skin and gnaw.

"Oh God," John moaned, squirming on the couch. He'd done this to himself before--he'd known for years that his wrists were sensitive--and while it had helped get him off, it had never been this good. "Oh fuck...fuck...Rodney...."

It was too easy to get spurred on by John's eagerness. Rodney bit again, then again a little farther up John's arm. Soon he was biting a trail up John's arm, throbbing in his pants just because of the _noises_ John was making.

By the time Rodney's teeth reached the inside of John's elbow, John could hardly speak. "Please," he gasped out. "Rodney...please...need...." But he wasn't even sure what he needed so desperately that he was willing to beg for it. And, of course, the mere fact that he was begging was pretty fucking hot, although nowhere near as hot as the feeling of Rodney's mouth and teeth against his skin.

At that, Rodney stood and tugged John up to drag him toward the bedroom. He was glad that he hadn't agreed to anything intricate. At this point, pulling ties or robe belts out of his closet just wasn't going to happen.

John found it easy to follow along after Rodney. _Well, as easy as it is to go anywhere when I'm this hard._ Having Rodney drag him like this was pretty fucking good but for some reason, he flashed on a picture he'd seen in one of his magazines, a picture of a guy on a leash.

John all but stumbled over his feet.

Startled, Rodney turned quickly to grab John. "Okay?" he asked quickly, checking to make sure there was nothing for him to trip on.

"Yeah, sorry," John said, his face red. "Just...had a moment."

"Well get over it and come to bed, then." Rodney tugged John the rest of the way, yanking John's shirt off and sliding his hands over John's chest and then shoving him down roughly.

"Yeah, okay," John said, just going with it. It was weird; Rodney was a skinny guy and John was pretty sure that, in a fair fight, John could take him down pretty easily. But here and now, John was more than happy to let Rodney shove him around. "Please," he said, once he was on the bed. "God...please...."

It wasn't lost on Rodney how hot this was making John, and then it just started to snowball, making Rodney want it--making him want _more_ of it. He grabbed John's wrists hard and dragged them over his head, focusing for the moment on the rough part and not so much the pain. Not yet.

"Oh fuck," John groaned, arching up against Rodney. "Oh God...that's...fuck, that's good." He was already close and he could only hope Rodney got him out of his pants before he came. "Please," he said again, figuring that it had gotten good results the first few times.

"I don't know," Rodney grinned a little ferally, pushing his thighs between John's and pressing down, hands still clamped tight around John's wrists, "I kinda like seeing you a mess like this." He dropped down to bite at John's throat then, licking and mumbling, "And you do, too."

"Gonna be a real mess," John managed to get out as he bucked and writhed under Rodney. "Oh fuck...yeah...if you don't get my pants off me."

"Maybe I want to see that," Rodney got out, and yeah, it wouldn't be how he'd planned to do this, but how hot would it be to make John come just like this, to get him off by biting him and holding him down. _Really_ fucking hot.

"Oh Jesus...Rodney....." But Rodney was biting John's neck again, harder this time and John knew he was fighting a losing battle. Maybe, he thought vaguely, as he squirmed and moaned, he could get Rodney to come too.

Rodney was already halfway there, though. Just grinding like this, fully clothed, watching John come completely apart was going to do it for him. "Love driving you nuts like this," he moaned, taking John's mouth hard.

And yeah, the warm, hard pressure of Rodney's lips against his, the slick feel of his tongue all but fucking John's mouth.... Yeah, it was enough. John cried out, the sound muffled by Rodney's mouth, and came, his whole body shuddering.

Rodney wasn't too far behind. The tension in John's body and the way he suddenly couldn't help himself bucking and shaking...Rodney dropped his head, breathing hard against John's neck as his own orgasm blew through him, dragging a rough moan out of him.

"Fuck," John said when he could talk again. "I haven't done that since I was fifteen." He grinned up at Rodney so that Rodney would know he was okay with it. "Can I take my pants off now?"

Huffing out a little laugh, Rodney nodded, pulling his hips up. "Probably a good idea," he agreed, but before he committed to it he had to kiss John again.

It was nice to be with someone who liked kissing this much--and who, John thought with amusement, had the perfect mouth for it. John's limited experience with older gay men had taught him that kissing wasn't something everyone did, which made him appreciate Rodney all that much more.

The kissing was one of Rodney's favorite parts, but.... "Okay," he finally relented after a moment, sighing as he flopped to one side to unzip his jeans. "It's completely unsexy now."

John couldn't help laughing as he got out of his own jeans. "And whose fault is that?" he asked, reaching out to run a hand over Rodney's flank.

"You're the one who brought up the S&amp;M stuff," Rodney growled, shoving his jeans off with a grossed-out noise. "I blame you."

"Yeah 'cause I could get out of my jeans with you holding me down." John grinned. "That was, by the way, fucking hot."

"Yeah, it was," Rodney murmured thoughtfully, still pretty turned on by it--intellectually, at least. He'd never done anything like that, not even close, and he was starting to think this was going become a pretty big obsession for him. He rolled onto his side to look at John. "I'm hooked," he smiled.

"Yeah?" John asked, reaching up and pressing lightly on one of the marks on his neck. He licked his lips. "Me too."

"Where did you get all this?" Rodney asked at length, trying to make up for his ignorance through research. "I mean, how did you know you wanted it?"

"I saw an ad for some porn in the back of a magazine," John said. "One of those five books for seven bucks things. A couple of them turned out to be S/M stuff and I just...really really got off reading it. I've never done much with it, though. There was this guy I slept with at school; he liked fucking me rough..." He ducked his head a little. "But mostly, it's just been...you know, reading and jerking off."

Rodney nodded, smiling. "I think that's how everything of import starts," he grinned, and then pretended to think, frowning a little. "Well, maybe not rocket science."

"You don't jerk off thinking about physics?" John smirked, just a little.

"Oh, of course I do," Rodney answered, all seriousness. "I'm just saying that's not how it _started_ with me."

John couldn't help it, he laughed. "You're such a freak," he said. "Not that that's a bad thing," he added, hoping Rodney realized he was joking.

"I am," Rodney agreed sagely. "Freakishly intelligent. It's okay. I've come to terms with my crippling incredibleness." He grinned.

Reaching up, John slid a hand around the back of Rodney's neck and pulled him down. "Kiss me, you freak."

That was easy enough to comply with. Even in the tired afterglow, John was _always_ easy to kiss, he always felt incredible. Rodney determined that he wasn't going to think about what would happen after his quarter ended. Not now. Not yet.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anything tagged with two initials and a name like "Industries" or "Retail" was bound to be sex toys.

Rodney glanced at John before pulling the box out of his closet. It hadn't been opened yet, and it was discreetly labeled--too discreetly, almost. Anything tagged with two initials and a name like "Industries" or "Retail" was bound to be sex toys.

He grabbed a box cutter and slit the tape to start pulling the cardboard open. "I found a catalog in a sex toy store in San Jose." He dumped the box unceremoniously on the bed, all of the items paper-wrapped and nondescript. So far.

"Oh!" John almost rolled his eyes at himself. _Way to sound a little too eager there, Shep._ But he was eager; no one had ever bought toys with him in mind before. "What...um what did you end up getting?"

"All kinds of stuff." Rodney reached randomly for one of the paper bundles and opened it. "Um. These looked interesting." He held up a pair of thick, black thigh cuffs. "For your legs."

The cuffs were leather and had sturdy looking buckles and rings; John reached out and ran a finger over the hardware. "So...they hook to other cuffs?" He swallowed. Was it weird that just looking at them made him hard?

Rodney nodded and grabbed another package to distract himself from his own nervousness as John got more and more aroused. "They hook to--I got other...sort of attaching things." The package he opened, though, was a pair of nipple clamps--not quite what he was aiming to get into next.

"Oh cool," John said. "This is like Christmas. Um, a very kinky Christmas."

"Well--grab one," Rodney said, smiling. He set the clamps aside to grab another one himself.

The package John picked turned out to be a pair of smaller cuffs--wrist sized--and the next package contained ankle cuffs. "Wow," he said. "Rodney...this is...." He ducked his head a little. "Cool," he repeated. "Very very cool."

"I'm in up to my eyeballs to Visa," Rodney said, and then wished he could take it back. He immediately took up another package. "Oh," he added as he opened it, "this is the thing--see, you've got these clips, they can hook to anything." And just the image of the criss-cross stitched leather straps with crab claws holding John's wrists to his ankles behind his back...Rodney swallowed hard.

"Oh fuck," John murmured. He tucked away the Visa comment; there was no way he'd mess with Rodney's pride and offer to pay for this stuff. "That's...what...God this is hot."

The next thing was a plug, a thick black one with an odd, nubbly swirl around it. "I--um." Rodney grinned, holding it out. "I sort of appreciated the aesthetics of this thing."

"Yeah," John said, reaching out again, this time to touch the plug. "The aesthetics...Jesus, you really _are_ a freak."

"We've had this discussion," Rodney agreed cheerfully. "I'm okay with this." He pushed the plug at John. "It reminded me of fractal math."

"Really?" John snickered. "Because it reminds me of this dog toy I once saw, and maybe that makes me the freak because I'd really really like it if you...um...you know."

"If I what?" Rodney asked, suddenly intent.

John knew his face was beet red, but he ducked his head and murmured, "If you'd use it on me sometime." He paused and then added, "please?"

Rodney advanced on John to kiss him hungrily. All of it, just ordering the toys and getting them here and opening all of them up in front of John had made him so hard he could barely stand it.

_I'll take that as a yes,_ John thought, kissing Rodney back hard.

It was definitely a yes. Rodney clamped a hand behind John's neck and pulled him toward the bed. He reached down carelessly to push the toys aside before pressing John onto the mattress.

John's hands went to the fly of his jeans and then he paused. "Do you want me...can I get undressed?" He wasn't sure if Rodney wanted him to ask or just do it; they hadn't played much with the whole "asking permission" thing. It just felt like the right thing to do and really, John tended to go with gut instinct a fair amount of the time.

"Yeah," Rodney said. He started getting out of his own pants as well; it couldn't happen quick enough. "I don't even know how to use any of this stuff," he whispered, "but I want to learn. With you."

"You're a genius, remember?" John stripped as fast as he could. "I'm sure you can figure it out."

"But this," Rodney pointed out, holding up the cuffs, "isn't rocket science."

The sight made John's breath catch, and he scrambled to his knees in the middle of the bed and held out his wrists. "Please?"

John's sheer intensity about it all startled Rodney a little. He went to his own knees in front of John and wrapped the cuffs around John's wrists. He had no idea what to do with this position, but he'd figure it out. Even if it wasn't rocket science.

John swallowed hard and looked down at the cuffs. They weren't as heavy as he'd expected, but they were _present_ in a way that he wouldn't be able to ignore. He let his breath out slowly, wondering why he felt so relaxed now that Rodney had put them on him. Well, mostly relaxed...he was so hard it hurt.

It was almost too much for Rodney: he could see how turned on John was, and his own erection was getting more insistent by the minute. He tugged on the cuffs just enough to throw John off-balance, just to have that kind of control.

"Oh!" John gasped, and fumbled to stay upright as Rodney tugged at the cuffs. He fought it for a moment before he realized that Rodney was in control here and...he trusted Rodney. He stared down at the bed, sure that he'd never been this turned on in his life.

"Down," Rodney ordered softly. Maybe it was a lot to expect, but he wanted to try it anyway. "Onto your elbows."

John moved easily, squirming a little to keep from falling over. He went still as soon as he went comfortable and waited to see what Rodney would do next.

Once John was down on his knees and elbows, Rodney moved up behind him and ran his hands down John's flanks. "This," he said shakily, "is really hot." He dragged his nails up the backs of John's thighs just for the reaction.

John arched into Rodney's touch. "Please," he panted, not entirely sure what he wanted, but maybe, he thought, maybe he just liked saying it.

"I could--uh. I could see you in a blindfold, too. And one of those big, thick collars." Rodney realized he was just dreaming in wretched excess now, but it all sounded so good.

"Oh fuck." John whimpered--just a little--in the back of his throat. "I'll...I can get one. Um...and a blindfold."

That whimper was so hot that Rodney groaned himself. "You'd take just about anything, wouldn't you?" He felt strange sort of wonder at it.

John's face was burning, but he nodded, the blanket rough against his cheek. "Yeah I...I think I would." There was more, but he wasn't ready to say that yet, wasn't ready to say he'd take anything as long as it came from Rodney. How he'd gotten there, he wasn't sure.

"I'd like to see that sometime," Rodney confessed quietly. "I think you'd look amazing in all of that bondage, maybe blindfolded with a cock ring on and a plug in and clamps...just...everything I could throw at you at once." He grabbed a condom and tore into it to roll it on.

"Please," John said. "Please...want it."

"I know." Rodney snagged the lube, one called Astroglide that he hadn't known existed; he had to admit that he liked it pretty well. He pushed a wet finger into John, then another, prepping him maybe a little faster than he should.

John pushed back against Rodney's fingers. Maybe it made him look too eager, but he really didn't care. "It's okay," he said. "I'm okay. Just...please please please...."

"I love it when you get like this," Rodney moaned, hurrying through the prep and pulling his fingers out to line up. "Hard?" he asked, and then snorted at himself. "Of course hard." And he pushed in, all in one fluid stroke.

"Oh fuck," John groaned, spreading his legs a little wider and twisting his wrists in the cuffs. This was better than his fantasies, and that was saying something considering Rodney hadn't even used half the things from the box on him. He gritted his teeth and tried to hang on, not wanting to come too soon.

Just fucking John like this, staring at him cuffed down and begging and writhing was enough to have Rodney close, and it wasn't like he had a lot of staying power to begin with. He felt as though he should say something, but even for him, the words just weren't going to come out right now.

John didn't have any words either, but he did his best to make up for it by pushing back hard against Rodney. This was one of the biggest rushes he's ever had; it was like flying for the first time or the first time he caught a really good wave. He wanted more, wanted it harder, wanted it faster, wanted to get lost and do nothing but feel.

Something in John's movements changed then; Rodney couldn't quite figure what it was, but he liked it. He knew just enough about this to be dangerous, but he was thinking maybe this was where John needed to be.

Bending down over John's back, Rodney gripped John's hips tightly, digging his fingers in. "This is what you wanted, huh?" he whispered, and he sank his teeth into the soft meat at the juncture of neck and shoulder. "Slut."

"Fuck," John said again. "Yeah," he added, amazed that he could say even that much. He shoved back against Rodney. "Please...please...so close...."

"No," Rodney said at once, stomach hot with it. "Not until I do." And of course the second the words were out, he was coming, tipping his head onto John's shoulder and groaning, shuddering it out.

The idea that Rodney wouldn't let him come was hot enough, but knowing that Rodney had just come, that he was as into this as John was, was so fucking much that John buried his face in the pillow with a groan, twisted his wrists in the cuffs one more time and came hard.

Startled, Rodney huffed out a breath, still a little stunned at the idea that John could come like that without even being touched. "Oh my God." And now Rodney had to work to try to get his own head together enough to think what to do next.

"Yeah," John said, still panting hard. "I...wow. Tell me we're gonna do that again?"

"Yeah," Rodney agreed softly, and finally had the presence of mind to reach up and undo the cuffs. "Damn."

John almost protested--to say he liked having them on would be an understatement--but he bit back the complaint. Rodney had said they'd do it again and that was enough. Well, as long as "again" happened some time tonight.

_Jesus, he's right about me being a slut._ The thought didn't bother John at all.

Rodney pulled out and settled heavily next to John. "Good grief," he said and let out a deep sigh, then rubbed a hand over his face and pulled John close to him. "That was...I don't even have a frame of reference for that."

"I was thinking that it was kinda like catching the perfect wave," John said after a long moment. Still somewhat surprised that he'd shared that thought with Rodney, he shrugged. "I mean...it was a rush."

"It--well, it was for me, too," Rodney said quietly, "but--I wasn't thinking. Not really. Which is a first," he added on a laugh.

"Wow, yeah. I'm flattered." John grinned at Rodney. "You telling me not to come...that was really fucking hot."

"Yeah?" Rodney considered that, and he couldn't really figure out _why_ it had been, but...yeah. "It was, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," John said. He kind of wanted to say more, but he wasn't sure of how to say it or if he even should. He settled for ducking his head a little, and wished he were better with words.

Rodney wasn't sure what that meant, that looking away, but then again he never really had been. He petted John's back in long, slow strokes. Whatever was going on, he figured it was good.

Closing his eyes and leaning into Rodney's touch, John let himself relax. He'd been given something he never thought he'd have, never thought he'd find outside his own fantasies and it was good, better than good, better than he'd ever guessed. Maybe somewhere along the line, he'd figure a way to tell Rodney that.

~ ~ ~ ~

Rodney rolled over and scooted around a little in the bed until he was butting up against John. "Mmmh," he grunted, slinging an arm over John's waist and nuzzling closer. Rodney McKay wasn't a snuggly guy, but John...sort of turned him into one.

"Mmmphf?" John mumbled and moved in a little closer. He normally wasn't comfortable with someone else in the bed, but lately he'd found that he slept just fine at Rodney's place. "Timeizzit?"

"Mm. Dunno." Rodney blinked at the old-fashioned windup and tried to bring the faint green glow-in-the-dark numbers into focus. He ended up having to just grab for it and pull it closer. "Three."

"Mmmmm...." John murmured. "Plenty of time." Plus it was Saturday--well, Sunday morning--and unless Rodney had finagled lab time, they had all day.

"Mmm-hmm." Rodney pulled John closer and scooted in himself until his mouth was pressed to John's neck, arm tight around him. "You feel good."

John rolled just a little and grinned as he pushed up against Rodney, who was at least half hard. "So do you."

"Mmm." Rodney was starting to come awake now, and he let out a soft moan. "Like it when you stay over," he admitted, sliding a hand along John's spine to his ass and tugging.

"Me too," John said, squirming just a little. He took a deep breath. "What...is there anything I can do for you?" Offering service, he thought wryly, usually sounded better in the books.

Rodney had to think for a minute to even get the bent of the question, and then once he understood, he had a feeling that John might actually want to do something for him in that capacity. Service. It wasn't something Rodney was used to.

"Um," he offered, trying to think. "Uh. Bring us some water?"

John managed not to laugh, but it was a close thing. _We have no idea what we're doing here._ In his fantasies, he'd always found a top who knew what he wanted and what he wanted from John. While that kind of thing made for good jerk off material, he found himself liking the idea that he and Rodney were figuring it out together.

Once he'd brought two glasses of ice water back to the bedroom, he slipped back in bed and snuggled up against Rodney again. "God you're warm," he murmured.

With John in the bed again and being cuddly, Rodney suddenly had less than no interest in the water--and yeah, maybe it had been kind of a stupid request. "Um. I thought of something a little, you know, sexier than glasses of water."

That did get a laugh out of John. "Oh?" he asked, giving Rodney a mock flirtatious look. "And what would that be?

Rodney tipped his chin up, seeing that as a challenge. He'd been thinking blowjob, but this was calling for something a little more inventive. "I think maybe you could let me cuff your hands, and then you can just ride me."

All thought of teasing Rodney vanished from John's mind. "Oh," he said. And then, as he held his wrists out, "please."

"Like that, huh?" Rodney asked, pleased and just a little smug. "Grab the cuffs, then." He scooted up a little to sit against the headboard.

John found the cuffs on the floor and then paused. "Can I...is it okay if I ask for something?"

Curious, Rodney nodded. "Yeah, go ahead."

Digging around a little in the box, John found the nipple clamps. He held them up and smiled a little nervously. "If it's okay with you...obviously."

Rodney swallowed. "Yeah." Clearing his throat, he nodded. "Sure, we can do that." Damn, and he sure wasn't sounding very authoritative. "Yeah," he added a little more strongly. "Put them on."

It was easy enough to figure out how they worked, and John hissed a little at the pain once he got them on. _Manners, Shep,_ he reminded himself as he got back on to the bed.

"Thank you," he said and yeah, that felt right, thanking Rodney for something that hurt in all the best ways. He held out the cuffs and then paused and reached over to the nightstand for a condom.

"You want me to do this?" he asked, holding it up.

"Yeah," Rodney said again, running his tongue around inside his mouth. He decided he liked this, just watching John take care of these things, and the wheels were already spinning for next time.

Rodney was plenty hard enough to make getting the condom onto him easy, and John kind of wished he knew the trick of putting it on with his mouth. He wasn't dumb enough to try it here, though. He reached for the lube and looked at Rodney. "This part too? Or do you want to do it?"

"That part's mine," Rodney said without thinking, and then he looked up at John, wondering if it really was that simple, if he could really own something like prepping John for him.

"Oh," John said breathlessly. "Okay." He handed Rodney the lube and then the cuffs before holding his wrists out.

This was...so far beyond good. Rodney handed the lube back to John while he did the cuffs and then checked the tightness with meticulous care before he took the lube back and opened it. He watched John's face as he slicked his fingers. "This is really...a lot, isn't it?" he asked quietly.

"Yes," John said. "It's good though, right?" _Please say "yes"._

Rodney nodded. It was a lot--it was _huge_\--but he could see in John's eyes how much it meant, and it was coming to mean a lot to Rodney, too. "It is good," he agreed quietly, rubbing his fingertips over John's hole.

For an absurd moment, John was grateful for all the surfing he did; he could feel the faint strain across his thighs and calves as he balanced over Rodney without his hands to brace him. And then, Rodney was pushing his fingers inside and John bit his lower lip and moaned.

"God," Rodney sighed, staring up at John. "You look so incredible like this." It was true: John looked _free_ here, and as paradoxical as it seemed, Rodney knew that was part of it.

John felt his face go hot as he thought about what Rodney was seeing, what he looked like straddling Rodney's thighs while Rodney worked lube into him. "Glad you...oh fuck...like what you see," he said, unable to keep from squirming. He wanted to look good, wanted Rodney to get off on seeing him like this.

Rodney angled his thigh up under his hand, giving John something solid to rock down on as he pushed his fingers up, pushed in another one. "Thinking about next time," he said, just to fan the flames. "What I want to do to you."

"Yeah?" John asked. And God, but that was like Rodney, already thinking about ways to make this even better.

"Yeah. I want to cuff your hands behind you and use a--have you seen spreader bars?" Rodney asked, momentarily derailed as he pulled his fingers out and angled his cock up against John's hole. "Sit," he ordered abruptly, looking up at John.

Gasping just a little at the familiar burn, John sank down over Rodney's cock. "Fuck," he said once he'd taken all of it in and was sitting on Rodney's hips and thighs. "Oh fuck...Rodney...."

Rodney, for his own part, was squirming and gritting his teeth. "Fuck," he agreed breathlessly, finally shoving up into John and digging his nails into John's thighs.

Not sure what to do with his hands, John leaned forward a little, resting both of them on Rodney's chest so they could both see the cuffs. The motion shifted the chain and he couldn't help making a noise--and okay, yeah, maybe it was a whimper--as the clamps moved and pulled at his nipples.

God, that was just gorgeous, and Rodney found himself staring at the way the chain swayed against John's skin as they fucked. He covered John's hands with his own, trying to push up harder.

"Can I...please," John moaned. "Can I move?" It didn't seem fair that Rodney was doing all the work here, but John wasn't sure if he should take the initiative or wait until Rodney told him what to do.

Rodney huffed out a laugh. "Yeah. Go on." He waited until John started to rock, and then he pushed up in rhythm, letting out a groan.

This...this was good, John thought as he matched Rodney's rhythm. After coming earlier and then napping, he felt like he could do this all night, until he was sweating and sore and loose and satiated. "So good," he panted. "Always so good with you."

Rodney cupped John's ass in his hands, biting his bottom lip as he bucked up into John's heat. "Always," he agreed breathlessly, eyes squeezing shut.

"Better," John said. "Better than the porn...oh God...oh fuck...." He couldn't quite get the words out, couldn't quite explain that this...the bondage, the tight pressure on his nipples, Rodney's hard rhythm as he fucked John...it was all so much better than anything he'd ever read. It wasn't perfect sex, but was _real_.

Maybe it wasn't perfect sex, but it sure was miles better than anything Rodney had ever had. It was intricate and complicated, so much going on, so much to keep track of, and Rodney realized that was the part he liked the most. It did things to him, made him feel...more. More in charge. More in _ownership._

He thrust up, hands harder on John's hips, watching him hungrily until he just had to drag John down for a kiss, all biting and possessiveness.

John moaned into Rodney's mouth, wishing they could just stay like this forever. _Then again,_ he thought, _there are all those other toys...._ He moaned again as Rodney's fingers went tighter on his skin; he'd have bruises and marks from this and that was just one more thing that made it so good.

The moans were getting to Rodney, and finally he had to grab John's ass hard and squeeze, wanting to offer up some of that collateral hurt that seemed to get John off so perfectly every time.

John managed to pull back a little, enough to keep from biting Rodney's lip. "God," he groaned. "Rodney...please..._please!_"

"What do you want?" Rodney asked breathlessly, deliberately putting a hint of menace in his tone--or as much as he could manage. "I'm fucking you, you're cuffed and clamped. What more is there? Slut."

Biting his own lip, John shuddered hard. Half hoping the answer would be no, he tried to find enough breath to reply. "Please...need to come...please?"

Rodney groaned, nodding. "Do it," he ordered, breathless and just _gone_ on all of it, too much so to make either of them wait. "Come for me, John." And he reached up to release the clamps, both of them at once, watching John's face.

It hurt like fuck when Rodney pulled the clamps off; John yelped as he came hard. It felt incredible and he wanted to collapse on Rodney, wanted to go boneless and just drift on the haze of endorphins, but Rodney hadn't come yet and so John took a deep breath and started moving again, shivering through the aftershocks.

Just the fact that John was so eager to keep going--and for Rodney--was enough to send Rodney over, hands tight on John's hips as he shoved up hard, then again, cock pulsing as the pleasure rolled over him. He stiffened all over, head digging hard into the pillow through the orgasm.

John stayed with him through it and then, finally, let go, settling down with his bound hands still on Rodney's chest and his head on Rodney's shoulder. "Thank you," he said, still a little breathless. "I...it's just better, you know? Than I thought it would be."

Immediately wrapping his arms around John, Rodney held him, cocking his legs up a little to cradle him better. "Yeah," he said quietly. "I know." He nuzzled John's hair, content to let the cuffs stay until John wanted them off. Frankly, Rodney liked the way they felt pressed against his chest like this.

_I could,_ John thought as he let himself drift a little, _get used to this._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's picked up a new toy and Rodney's a little taken aback.

John was whistling tunelessly as he walked down the hall to Rodney's place, his duffel bag in hand. It had been a month since Rodney had brought out the toys, a month of incredibly hot sex and both of them pulling all-nighters in order to spend time together. It was crazy and John had all but stopped surfing, but he'd never been happier.

He knocked on the door and then grinned at Rodney when it opened. "Hi," he said, holding up the bag. "I've been shopping."

"Wow. You really have." Rodney tugged John in and wrapped an arm around his waist, kissing him slowly. "I guess asking if you're hungry would be kind of a stupid question?" He grinned.

"I picked up sandwiches," John said, smiling a little. "Got you a meatball sub with cheese." He tried to do things like that, pick up food he knew Rodney liked, and he didn't even bother to tell himself it was because he had money and Rodney didn't. It was about doing things for Rodney, and if John was the only one who'd figured it out, that was fine with him.

"Oh." Rodney grinned, and--no, he didn't bother to tell himself, either, that it was because John had money and he didn't. John was a thoughtful guy. And...well, damn, if anything was going to facilitate the sex and the ensuing long conversations, frankly it was going to be immediately-to-hand food.

"Best boyfriend ever," he grinned, an arm going around John's waist as he coaxed them toward the living room.

"That's debatable," John said, but he smiled a little anyway as he pulled out the Togos bag and handed over Rodney's sandwich. Once Rodney was settled on the couch, John sat next to him, unwrapping his own sandwich. "You wanna know what I got?" he asked after a mouthful of hot pastrami.

"What'd you get?" Rodney asked gamely, mouth also full. Whatever it was, he was looking forward to it.

It hadn't been easy, going to the leather place in San Francisco. John had felt like kind of an idiot, like he had "New Kid" painted on his tee-shirt. But the guy working the counter had been friendly and helpful without making John feel stupid, and even the fact that a couple of customers had been checking him out while he shopped had made him feel oddly good. _Look all you want; I'm taken._

And that thought had made him feel even better.

"Toys," John said now. He took another bite of sandwich and then put it down and reached for his bag. "A paddle and um...a flogger. You don't have to use them if you don't want to, of course."

Rodney reached out for the paddle first. The flogger looked just a little intimidating. "So...you want me to use this? On you?" He swallowed, nervous; they'd done plenty involving pain, but this would involve Rodney actually hitting John, and it seemed so much _bigger._

"Only if you want to," John said. "I really mean that, you know; I'm good with what we do now."

"I'm okay to try it." Rodney considered the paddle. In spite of his nerves, he didn't want to leave any stone unturned, as it were, with regard to what they were doing. And if John wanted it, it had to be okay, right? "It looks kind of scary, though."

John tried to keep from bouncing on the sofa like a kid on Christmas Eve. "It really does, doesn't it?"

John's reactions to all of this were just...all Rodney could think for a minute was _cognitive dissonance._ He grinned hugely, leaning in close and kissing him. "You're like a puppy dog. 'Who's a good boy? who wants his ass beat, yeah!'"

"Jerk," John said, smiling at Rodney to make it clear he was joking. "Like you don't get off on all this."

"Oh, I do," Rodney nodded matter-of-factly, "a lot." He considered the paddle again, turning it over in his hand and rubbing at the leather. "It's just...hitting people...call it societal programming or whatever you want, but to me, that always implied fighting. And 'fighting' for a guy like me means politely disagreeing on the geometric extrapolation of theoretical physics."

"Yeah well," John said, surprising himself even as he spoke, "anything's better than cold silence and the consumption of a lot of expensive booze."

There was so much in that comment for Rodney to parse out that he just stayed quiet for a minute. The statement would have demanded some sort of comfort or commiseration from someone else, but Rodney knew by now that the talking they did was already pushing the boundaries of what John considered within the realm of human capability. Hell, it was for him, too. Rodney just leaned in and kissed him, cupping a hand at his nape and squeezing possessively.

And John was fine with that; he'd much rather be kissing Rodney--or to be honest, be kissed by Rodney--than talk about his family's stereotypical WASPness. And so he closed his eyes, moaned and relaxed into Rodney's touch. This, this was good and, right now, it was where he belonged.

Rodney pulled John close. This thing happening between them...he fought with it every day, the struggle between his short-term assignment and the relationship he and John had built and were still building. But for now, yes--it was all about right now. He dragged John closer until there was no closer to be had, and then he just pulled John up into his lap to straddle him.

John spared a moment to wonder if they'd ever actually finish a meal without pausing in the middle to have sex or just make out, but mostly he just went with it. He loved this position, liked that Rodney didn't feel like he literally had to be on top all the time. _He knows I'll do what he wants._

Groaning, Rodney kept John close as they necked, one hand splayed against John's back. "Want you," he moaned, then added, "want to hurt you."

And really, there was only one answer to that. "Please," John said, shivering a little.

"Get naked and get on the bed," Rodney ordered, putting that hint of hardness in his voice that always sent John.

Swallowing hard, John got up off Rodney's lap and headed for the bedroom, pulling his shirt off as he went. The shirt was followed by the rest of his clothes and then he settled in the middle of the bed on his knees. Rodney had never demanded it, but the first time John had knelt, Rodney had been so obviously pleased that John did it every time now.

_And maybe it's just that you _like_ being on your knees._

Rodney didn't strip all the way. He toed out of his sneakers and peeled his shirt off, but it seemed like it would be odd to--well, not to put too fine a point on it--_beat_ John while totally naked.

He spun the paddle in his hand nervously, taking in John's posture as he approached the bed. "How hard do you want me to do it?" he asked. Unconsciously, he licked his lips.

"Um...as hard as you like?" John wasn't sure that that was the right answer, but he didn't know what else to say. Rodney had fucked him really hard, and he liked to bite John, and then there were the nipple clamps...and really, none of it had been more than John could handle. In fact, he wasn't all that sure where his limits were; things that hurt other people usually didn't bother him at all.

Rodney grunted thoughtfully, spinning the paddle one more time. "Hands and knees," he said, but it didn't come out as hard as he meant it to be; it turned out thoughtful. This was going to be good, and it was going to be kind of crazy, and the idea of John turning himself over to Rodney like this was so, so far beyond hot: it was _moving_. It was important.

This, yes, this was what John had wanted since the moment he saw the paddle hanging on the wall at Mr. S. He settled on his hands and knees, hoping that Rodney liked what he was seeing, hoping that Rodney _wanted_ this as much as John did.

And Rodney did, even if he wasn't sure what to do with that. He stared at the surface of the paddle and then brought it down, slapping John's ass with a force that reverberated through the room.

"Oh fuck," John moaned. It felt electric and hot and he wanted more. Now. "God," he gasped, trying to remember that it wasn't up to him to demand. _But I can beg...._

"Please," he said. "Oh God, Rodney....please?"

So Rodney, fueled by those desperate pleas, kept going. It felt good and he had a nice, firm grip on the paddle, so there was nothing to do but continue.

While Rodney had, on occasion, slapped John on the ass, it hadn't been anything like this. This hurt like fuck, of course, but that was the whole point and John loved the way each blow built on the one before it until it all blurred and just _hurt_. He wasn't sure how long it had been going on when he went down to his elbows, burying his face in the pillow and offering up his ass for more.

Rodney managed to get the blows counted properly before switching to the other side, though it seemed everything had gone hazy and focused at the same time. Everything had distilled down to the feel of the paddle in his hand, the way the blows reverberated up his arm and the sharp, needy noises John was belting out. It was _good._

John was only vaguely aware when he started talking, babbling more like. Words like "please" and "more" and "God" and "Rodney" and "hurts" and "good" were all spilling out of his mouth in no particular order. And for once, he didn't care about what he was saying; for once, he didn't feel the need to check each word before it came out of his mouth.

Grunting and hissing in breaths, Rodney kept going until John's ass was flaming red and the skin was getting puffy. John had clearly lost all fucking control, and that was the hottest thing of all, seeing him so unguarded. Rodney dropped the paddle onto the bed and grabbed a condom and the lube, and then he just opened his pants and fumbled the condom on, making a mess with the lube as he smeared it on the outside. He didn't even bother with prep; they both liked it quick and dirty, but even if they didn't, Rodney would realize later that he was too far gone to bother anyway. Everything had to happen now, all at once, and it was all about getting more of those desperate, hungry words out of John's throat.

The absence of pain was almost as sharp as the pain itself; John whined a little when Rodney stopped. But then he heard Rodney reaching for the lube and suddenly, getting fucked seemed like the best idea in the history of the world. He spread his knees a little, giving Rodney room, and then yelped as Rodney just pushed in with no prep.

"Fuck...please...oh god, please...c'mon, do it hard !"

"Yeah," Rodney groaned, resting a hand heavily over John's shoulder and dragging him back hard. It felt different; he could almost swear John _smelled_ different, the feel of the sex completely changed from the way it usually was. John was so tight it almost hurt to be in him, but stopping wasn't an option, nor was slowing down. He settled his hands to John's hips; it was a more efficient grip and Rodney could get a lot more leverage, shove in a lot harder that way.

John just went with it, moving as Rodney directed. He felt like a rag doll, a toy for Rodney to position and hurt and fuck and _use_. "Yours," he mumbled into the pillow. "Yours...."

Letting out a lost noise, Rodney shoved in and came, overwhelmed. John was so far gone that if Rodney had any sense at all, he'd be wondering how to get them _both_ back again, but his vision is so narrowed now. Even as he was still pulsing his last into John, he reached under to get John off, _hard._ "Mine," he breathed into John's ear, "now come."

There was no way John could ignore both Rodney's demand and the tight grip on his cock. He came and it felt like it went on forever, until he was gasping and collapsing down onto the bed, his whole body still shivering through the aftershocks.

Rodney sank down over John's body, groaning. He could feel his heart slamming against John's back, and beyond that there was the unbelievable heat in the skin of John's ass. He couldn't think; everything was a leftover haze of sex and the dull muscle ache in his otherwise-underused arm. He secured the condom and pulled out, and without even dealing with that yet he pushed John onto his side to kiss him. It was the only thing he could think to do to let some of the emotion out.

John had come close to drowning a time or two, and now he felt a lot like he had after the fact--aching and boneless and shaking and _alive_. Rodney's kisses were perfect, one more thing to feel, to experience while in this strange headspace. John opened his mouth and let Rodney in.

While John was feeling alive, Rodney felt wrung out. He was sinking down into the exhaustion of mostly-unspent adrenaline and deep sexual satisfaction, but something was nagging at him, something that made him feel slightly uneasy and...well, there was one thing Rodney didn't like, and that was second-guessing himself.

He ended the kisses slowly and backed off to pet John's hair. "Okay?"

"Mmmmm...yeah," John murmured. He managed to smile. "Better'n okay, really."

"Yeah?" Rodney didn't dare mention how far off he felt, then; clearly John was flying, and Rodney didn't want to fuck that up. He petted John again just a little absently, then leaned in for another kiss because he couldn't think of what else to do.

Normally John would have been freaked out by how malleable he felt, how open he was to...well just about anything. Right now, though, it felt good; it felt like this was the way things should be. He hummed into the kiss and when Rodney pulled back a little, murmured, "feel really good...all boneless and...good." There had to be better words, a better way of putting it, but that was the most he could manage right now.

"Good," Rodney said, offering up a tight little smile. He watched John until it started feeling a little awkward, and then he remembered the clamminess covering his dick. Pulling back, he rolled away to deal with that and then, in a fit of weird self-consciousness, did his pants back up. "I should--um. Look at your skin, make sure I didn't hurt you. I mean--more than you wanted."

"'kay." John shifted until he wasn't in the wet spot and then reached back to run a hand across his ass. "It's kinda warm."

Once Rodney was up and moving around to look, he was immediately aware of the reason for his unease: the skin wasn't warm, it was _scorching,_ welted and red. He blinked, staring. John seemed so...just _placid_, in the way Rodney had only ever seen him after a particularly good set of waves, and it gave him an almost queasy sense of cognitive disconnection.

"You're sure it's okay?" he asked, very delicately brushing his fingertips over the welts.

"Yeah," John said. He was starting to focus a little more and Rodney's fingers on his skin felt good and a little weird. "Keep that up and give me about 20 minutes...."

Rodney couldn't help a little snort. John was in one-track-mind mode, and it was amusing even while Rodney wondered how he could be so damned relaxed about this. Rodney had _beaten_ him, beaten him _hard_, and somehow the idea that John wanted it wasn't quite enough for Rodney's guilt. Still, he kept petting, glad to make John happy for a little while longer.

Normally Rodney would have said something--agreeing or even teasing John a little about his appetite--but, although John waited, all he got was that skeptical little snort. As loose and comfortable as he was, it was starting to sink in that not everything was well in Rodney land.

"What's the matter?" he asked, rolling over to look up at Rodney. The move put pressure on his ass and he squirmed a little. Oh yeah, he'd be feeling that for a while.

"Oh, I just--really hurt you." Rodney frowned, unable to process that. He was an analytical person, deep down. No, he was an analytical person _period,_ even on the shallowest of levels. Something about this.... He shook his head, trying to clarify this for himself. John had clearly loved it, and now Rodney was fucking it up for him anyway. "It's okay," he tried brightly. "I mean, I'm just..." He shrugged. "You know. It's a little odd for me. Not that it's odd, you know, in general," he blurted quickly. "Just for me because I've never done anything like this before." _Okay, Rodney, shut the hell up now._

There was Rodney babble that was designed just to fill silences and then there was...Rodney babble. To be honest, John was a little surprised at how well he knew the difference, but that didn't matter right now. Right now, Rodney was freaking out and that wasn't good.

"Hey," he said, sitting up. He winced and that made Rodney look even more anxious. _Fuck, why do we have to _talk_ about this?_ "It's not okay if you don't think so."

"No, I'm--it's fine, I'm sorry," Rodney said automatically. "I guess I'm just...you're sure you're okay?" It seemed a little selfish of him to be thinking like this; John was the one who'd been beaten. _No passive tense,_ Rodney insisted to himself, _John was the one I beat._

"Okay?" John frowned, wondering if he'd somehow failed to get across just how much he'd liked it. "Rodney, I'm more than okay, all right? I...it was fantastic; it felt great."

Rodney thought about that blissed-out, half-gone look in John's eyes just a minute ago. He knew about the endorphin response to pain, of course, and he knew that John really did tend to sort of go somewhere else when they played like this, so he made himself take a breath and nod. "Okay," he said quietly, settling back down again. He scooted closer, wrapping an arm around John's waist. "Sorry."

Of course, now John was worried, and maybe it was partly selfish but he couldn't help asking, "did...did you like it?"

"I liked putting you there," Rodney nodded, thinking about it carefully. He played his fingertips through the spiky hair at the crown of John's head. "I liked knowing that you trusted me that much, and I liked knowing you really really loved it. So...yeah. I did."

John nodded and then paused. He could leave it there, which would be his first choice, or he could....

"But did you like doing it? Did you like hurting me?"

Rodney swallowed. "Uh." He frowned, knowing the answer John needed and wanting to make sure he could give it honestly first. He thought about John deep in that place the beating carried him to, and he thought about the look of the welts and redness afterward. He knew which one won out with him, and it gave him an almost guilty twinge, which he suppressed hard.

"Yeah," Rodney said after a long pause. "I did."

"Okay then," John said. "You liked it and I liked it, and really, that's all that matters. Right?"

Knowing good and well it wasn't that simple, Rodney nodded anyway. "Right," he said firmly, thinking if he could say it enough to himself, it might end up being true.

"Okay," John said again. "So..." He went up on one elbow and looked at Rodney. "When can we do it again?"

Rodney couldn't help a laugh at that, and he rubbed his hand over his eyes. "Soon as your poor abused ass recovers," he said, and then he corrected, sitting up and rotating his shoulder with a wince, "or my arm."

"Want me to give you a backrub?" There were times when he wished Rodney would just tell him to do things, but John thought he'd done a pretty good job of keeping that side of himself private. Unlike the pain, he was pretty sure actual submission wouldn't be as good as the porn made it out to be.

That actually sounded pretty good to Rodney, so he nodded, settling onto his stomach. "Oh," he mumbled belatedly, face half-mashed into the mattress as he pushed his hands under him to undo his pants and shimmy out of them.

John straddled Rodney's ass, hissing just a little at the contact. It really did hurt now, but he still liked it. "We should...I should get you some massage oil," he said as he began to work on Rodney's shoulders. "God, you're really tight, you tense freak."

"I'm a high-profile genius in a very competitive linear accelerator facility," Rodney muttered against the sheet, groaning a little. "And my arm hasn't seen that much work since high school P.E."

"You should lift a little," John said and then laughed. "You know, in your spare time between redefining the cutting edge of science and beating your boyfriend."

"Uh huh. I'll pencil in 'lifting' somewhere after 'root canal' and 'laundry.' Oh, fuck," Rodney sighed abruptly as John found a really hard knot. "Ungh."

"Too much," John asked, letting his hands go gentle.

"No, just...okay yeah. I, unlike you, am a real hothouse flower about pain." Rodney could feel himself relaxing, though, and it was amazing.

"That's why you're the sadist." John rubbed and kneaded at the spot carefully.

Rodney had to think about that for a minute. He'd never considered himself that way before, but tonight...yeah, in spite of his vague misgivings, he really did get off on hurting John. "Yeah, I guess that's true," he nodded.

"I have my smart moments too." John bent and kissed the back of Rodney's neck. This whole thing he had with Rodney was so damn good and once more, he pushed the fact that it would end in a month or so to the back of his head.

_Deal with that when it happens and enjoy what you have now._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney's time at Stanford is almost up and he's determined to give John something special.

Rodney was actually more nervous this time than he had been in the past, in spite of the fact that--at least where John was concerned--he knew what he was doing now. This would be the last night they'd have together. He was leaving the program; his time here was up. He was moving on to bigger and, impossibly, better things, but that wasn't a whole lot of consolation at the moment.

He sighed, staring at the delivered Chinese food, knowing himself and John well enough to be aware that they wouldn't eat it until later, after it had gone cold. He didn't care anymore, frankly had never cared. Cold takeout or delivery had rapidly become Rodney's favorite food, whatever kind it ended up being.

And then there was that knock, the brisk rapping that John always used, and Rodney went to the door, heart beating faster.

"Hi," he greeted quietly.

"Hey," John said. He'd been dealing with the fact that tonight was it in the same way he dealt with everything difficult: doing his best not to think about it. He'd known going into this that they'd have a quarter and then it would be over, and there had been more than one point where he could have backed off and kept Rodney at a distance. He hadn't, and while that decision had made sense at the time, now he had to admit that this would be easier if he and Rodney were just fuck buddies.

The mood definitely reflected the fact that Rodney was leaving, and he didn't care for that at all. There hadn't been any discussion about it of course, but the elephant was certainly in the room. "I got Chinese," Rodney offered a little lamely, closing the door behind John. "For later, you know."

John had to laugh at that. "Yeah, it's not like we're going to eat it now." He slid an arm around Rodney's waist and leaned in for a kiss.

God, that felt good, and suddenly Rodney wished like hell that they had more time. Lots more time. More than he'd ever wanted with anyone else. But it was too late to be thinking like that, so Rodney just returned the kiss and deepened it, trying to show John how much he loved...this...without talking about it.

_This is more like it,_ John thought, letting himself relax. Being kissed by Rodney was kind of a full-on experience and John had every intention of paying complete and absolute attention.

Rodney moaned into John's mouth, sliding a hand up into John's hair and petting before finally pulling him back with a handful almost playfully. "Much as I'd just love to come standing in my living room," he grinned faintly, "I kind of have plans for tonight."

"Oh?" John couldn't help grinning back, even as Rodney's grip tightened in his hair (or maybe _because_ it did). "Bedroom type plans?"

"They definitely involve the bedroom, yeah," Rodney nodded, "unless you just have an overwhelming urge to get beaten and fisted on the couch..."

"Uh...." John stared at Rodney in shock. "Really?" he finally said, wishing he could be more articulate.

"Yeah. Of course, we could stand here like a dorks, pull each other off and eat Chinese instead." Rodney gave John a playful swat on the ass; secretly he loved it when John's language went absent. It meant there was a lot going on in his head, and John really was the kind of guy who gave a whole new level of meaning to "still waters run deep."

"Oh ha ha," John said, feeling like his mouth was on auto-pilot while his brain still tried to wrap itself around Rodney's plan. Unfortunately, all his brain could come up with was, _I want._

"Oh just come on," Rodney sighed, grabbing the front of John's shirt to drag him into the bedroom. On the bed was a set of cuffs, a reasonably nice riding crop, a pair of latex gloves he'd had to buy at the campus lab store and a brand-new (rather larger) tube of KY.

Normally it would be the riding crop that held John's attention, but, knowing what he did, he found himself staring at the gloves. Of course he'd read all about fisting--it came up a lot in porn and Drummer magazine--and he'd wanted someone to do it to him, but now that he was here...well, Rodney had kind of big hands.

The way John sort of stopped short gave Rodney pause. "Too much?" he asked, tilting his head to try to catch John's eye.

John opened his mouth to insist that it wasn't and then paused. Rodney deserved honesty, even if it wasn't always easy for John to give. "It's a bit daunting," he said. "But I want it."

Rodney nodded, cupping his hands around either side of John's neck and drawing him in for another kiss. "It's a lot of trust," he murmured. "Thank you."

"Yeah well...it's you." John could feel his face get hot as he came close to saying something he'd promised himself he'd never say to Rodney. It was too complicated, he'd told himself. They both had plans that didn't include...those kind of feelings.

Okay, things were getting weird again, so Rodney just kissed John again and stepped back. "Well, even I in my all-encompassing cleverness can't do this with your jeans on," he pointed out, clearing his throat.

"No?" John laughed a little even as he began to strip off his clothes. He'd learned to like being naked while Rodney had clothes on; even after the sex, when Rodney usually pulled on sweats or a pair of pajama bottoms, John tended to stay naked.

Rodney pulled back just enough to strip his shirt off and then waited for John to get on the bed. "Probably a stupid question," he began, "but do you want to be cuffed down for this? There's enough play that I can crop you on your knees and then turn you over for the fisting." God, just the words were getting Rodney harder than ever.

"Yes," John said, remembering to add "please." He'd never really told Rodney, but he loved the cuffs; they made him feel safe in a weird way.

Nodding again, Rodney took the cuffs out and fed one of them through the gap between a post and the headboard proper. He situated John on his knees and then buckled John's right wrist in, then his left, playing his fingertips over the soft skin of John's wrist before he pulled back. He was really going to miss the way John looked on his knees, flushed and starved for it. Sighing lightly, he turned away for the crop.

If there was one thing John knew about the future, it was that he'd never even look at his wrists without thinking of Rodney. The minute Rodney had found out how sensitive they were, he'd made sure to touch, or kiss or bite them in addition to cuffing them.

Dragging his attention back to the now, John bent down, resting his elbows on the bed. This was just a little difficult every time; he was always acutely aware of how vulnerable he was and how much the pose made it clear just how much he wanted what was about to happen.

"Just enough to relax you," Rodney promised, gripping the soft rubber of the crop's handle. He always appreciated how readily John put himself here, and the vulnerability of the position wasn't lost on him.

When he started in, it was nice and slow, just little pats. This thing could hurt like hell--he'd tested it on his own leg and then winced and cursed--so he was sure to be easy with it, warming up the skin gently.

As Rodney started up, John had the same thought he always did--_I don't need this much warm up._ And then, as always, the slow progression worked on him. Each tap made him anticipate the next one while reminding him that how this happened wasn't up to him. Giving a soft little moan, he relaxed and just took what Rodney gave him.

That was always the perfect sign, that sigh and the telltale slump of suddenly-relaxed shoulders. Rodney settled into it himself then, increasing the intensity by degrees, shifting his stance a little.

It was starting to hurt just a little and while Rodney had gotten into a rhythm, he wasn't landing the blows in any kind of pattern; John had no idea where the next one would strike. It was stingy now, and every once in a while, when a tap caught him really off guard, he found himself yelping just a little.

Rodney listened to a few of those yelps, using them to gauge how John was doing. After a little more, he started to ease off, giving John a predictable rhythm to finish off with.

If John hadn't known what was coming next, he might have begged for more, but as it was, he took a deep breath when Rodney finally stopped, and let it out. "Thank you," he murmured.

"You're welcome." Rodney set the crop down and petted his hand down John's back, then eased him over onto his side. "Okay to keep going?" he asked, crouching down beside the bed to look into John's eyes. He knew the answer, but it was always good to ask anyway.

"Yes," John said. "God, please?"

"Greedy slut," Rodney grinned, reaching down, both hands in a scooping motion to grab John's heated ass. "I love it when you beg."

John felt his face go hot the way it always did when Rodney said stuff like that. He liked it for some weird reason, liked that flare of heat across his skin and the corresponding feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Please," he said, giving Rodney what they both wanted. "Please...want you to...."

As much fun as it was to tease, Rodney wanted to do this, too. He pulled back for the glove first, then fumbled with the KY before getting it open. "We're going to go really slowly," he warned, "so no matter how much you beg, it's still going to be like teasing. I just don't want to hurt you." Normally, he'd just have left it alone, left John hanging, but this seemed so important.

"You won't," John said as Rodney pressed on his hip. He went with it, rolling until he was on his back, wrists cuffed above his head and his slightly stinging ass against the sheet. It was a familiar position, even though what was about to happen was new, and it made him feel good, helped him relax.

"So you say," Rodney grinned fondly, and it was all so much familiar banter, but yeah...so good. Close and warm. Damn, Rodney was going to miss this _hard._

"It's true." John squirmed a little, just testing the cuffs because he liked the way it felt. "I trust you." It just slipped out and he wondered if Rodney got it, wondered if Rodney realized just how few people John trusted.

It wasn't like they'd done a lot of talking, but yeah...somehow, Rodney got it. He nodded once, just a small acknowledgment, and then started working a finger into John.

This was easier to deal with, even knowing what it was leading up to. John spread his legs a little more and moaned. Rodney was using more lube than usual, but John hardly noticed the faint chill of it as Rodney worked him open.

Spreading his fingers, pumping them a little, Rodney worked his way from one to two and then, slowly, to three. Normally, they didn't even bother getting this far with prep anymore; John would be grunting _just do it_ or _please, fuck me_ or something like that, and Rodney would manage to tease for another five seconds or so and then give in out of his own greed. It felt kind of nice to take this so slowly, even if his cock was aching and John's noises were driving him crazy.

Three fingers were a bit of a burn, but no more than Rodney's cock was. John wanted to rush it, to hurry Rodney along to the main event, but he knew better. For one thing, everything he'd read about fisting--well aside from some really heavy-duty porn--said you had to take it slow, and thinking about the size of Rodney's hands, John was forced to agree. And also? This was Rodney's show, even more than just them fucking was.

And maybe, just maybe, somewhere in the back of his mind, he wanted it to go slow, wanted Rodney to take even more time. He was putting Rodney on a goddamn plane tomorrow; was a long, drawn out scene too much to ask for?

Rodney was breathing harder now, trying to maintain his self-control as he twisted his fingers, felt the give as the muscles relaxed a little more. "I'm going to put another one in," he said softly, just so John could brace himself a little. "Deep breaths." His gaze flicked up to John's face, and John was just so..._gone_ on this that Rodney had to pause and lean up over him to kiss him.

"Mmmmmm," John hummed into Rodney's mouth. He spread his legs and tilted his hips, not caring if it made him look greedy, eager for it. After all, he _was_ eager, did want it so much right now.

Backing off the kiss slowly, Rodney offered John a smile and shifted his concentration back down to his fingers. He needed the angle just right and a little more lube, and it took him a little bit of time to get everything so he could work his pinky in and fold his fingers properly. "Okay?" he asked as he started to nudge them inward.

"Unnngh...." John didn't have the words; it was all too intense. It hurt...well of course it did, John had never taken anything this big before. But it was good too, it was...he wanted it, not just because he somehow knew that it was going to be incredible, but because it was difficult and Rodney wanted it, because maybe doing this would make up for the things John couldn't say.

Rodney had to assume that if John wasn't making him stop then it must mean he should keep going. He worked his fingers in by slow degrees, a tiny nudge in and then a tiny shift out again, and for what seemed like a very long time, it was almost as though he wasn't making any progress at all.

The slow, almost glacial, pace was steadily undoing John. His entire focus had narrowed down to that one point of connection, all he felt or knew or cared about was the push of Rodney's hand making its way inside him.

Without realizing it, Rodney had aligned his breathing with John's. Later, he would realize how important it had become to be perfectly synchronized, himself as far up as John was down. He rested a hand possessively on John's stomach, feeling his breaths and the tension, and it seemed as though the second he did that, his fingers sank in past the knuckles, his thumb caressing alongside John's balls.

John groaned and then caught his breath as he took the broadest part of Rodney's hand; it hurt like holy hell for a moment and then he felt himself relax, felt himself take the rest of it. "God," he managed to say. ""Rodney...."

Rodney knew he couldn't stay like this; he had to pull back, get his thumb in there, but right now just seeing his hand disappearing into John this way left him breathless.

He stayed there for a few more seconds, just working up the nerve to keep going. Already, this was massive, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt John like this. He started drawing back and then paused to squirt more lube onto his hand and work it around.

"Are you ready for me?" he breathed, even though he knew it would take more time, maybe even a few more tries before he actually got all the way in. He folded his thumb in along the groove created by his fingers and nudged his hand forward again.

"More?" John was pretty sure that wasn't what Rodney was looking for, but it was pretty hard getting anything out. "'kay," he managed, as Rodney started pushing in again. "Please?" He felt good now, the endorphins from the beating were really kicking in and he knew he could take whatever Rodney wanted to give him.

"More," he said again, and it wasn't a question this time.

That was clear enough, as disjointed as it had all come out. Rodney continued to nudge in until the ridge of his knuckles were holding John wide open, and he knew it had to hurt, knew he had to finish the trip or pull back, one--and then his hand slid in, John's body curling it into a loose fist. Rodney blew out a breath, gaze flicking to John's face.

John didn't realize that he'd been holding his breath until he felt himself getting a little lightheaded. He breathed in deep and let it out again, and then opened his eyes and started up at Rodney, who was looking at him intently. "Is it...did you...?"

"I'm all the way in," Rodney breathed, holding very, very still to let John get used to it before he rocked his fist very gently, angling for John's prostate.

"Oh fuck," John moaned. "That's...fuck." He'd have felt stupid and incoherent if he could have thought about anything but the pressure of Rodney's hand inside him. It didn't even hurt anymore; it was just good...all fullness and pressure and heat and...good.

"Yeah," Rodney agreed softly, rocking his fist again. John felt so close and hot around his hand that Rodney had trouble overcoming his amazement to think of what to do next. Finally he just decided to turn his wrist a little, trying to find the best way his fist fit.

Rodney's knuckles moved across John's prostate again and he found himself twisting, trying to get more of that feeling. "Fuck me," he said. "God, Rodney...please?"

John couldn't possibly mean pull out and literally fuck him--well, he might, but Rodney decided he just didn't want to. He rested his free hand on John's hip to hold him still and pushed his fist inward, a good, firm shove.

"Yeah," John moaned. "Oh yeah...oh please...more...please?" He stretched his fingers up, wrapping them around the ropes tied to his cuffs; he needed to cling to something, needed to hold on. This was...huge, it was _more_ than they'd ever done and he didn't really know how to convey that to Rodney.

Amazed, Rodney drew back until he met resistance and then pushed in _hard_, and then without hesitation he did it again, that other hand digging into John's skin.

This time, John didn't even try to move to meet Rodney's rhythm, he just hung onto the rope and went with it. Whatever Rodney gave him, whatever Rodney wanted to give him, he'd take it. "Anything," he said as Rodney kept fucking him. "Anything you want...'m yours...."

Scooting a little closer on his knees, Rodney found a more favorable angle. The grasping heat around his fist was incredible, and he wondered why it was they hadn't done this before. It didn't matter; he could feel what John was saying and understood somehow that this was happening exactly the way it was supposed to.

"Mine," he breathed, still fucking John with short, sharp thrusts. He wrapped his hand around John's cock and squeezed sharply before he started to jerk John off.

"Oh fuck...." John moaned. It was all too much and he bit his lip hard enough to taste blood in an attempt to keep from coming before Rodney told him to. "Please...."

Rodney made John wait a few more strokes, inside and out, just out of his own sense of sadism. Finally he ground his fist up tight and quick and held it there, stroking John's cock fast. "Come for me," he ordered, voice tense.

With a low, hoarse groan, John came so hard and for so long that he saw stars behind his eyelids and almost passed out. Even after, when he felt like he would float away if it weren't for Rodney and the cuffs, he kept shivering through aftershocks.

Going still again, Rodney realized his own breathing had ramped up with John's until it seemed he could almost feel that orgasm himself. John had gone almost unbearably tight around his fist, and for a moment, Rodney wondered how he was going to get out again.

"Breathe," he ordered softly, and then cleared his throat. "Breathe, John," he said with a little more firmness.

"Hmmmm?" John blinked and looked up at Rodney. "Okay," he said lazily as he started breathing again. "Felt...fuck...really really...fantastic."

Wow, John was really far gone this time. Rodney petted John's hip with the backs of his fingers, trying not to smear come everywhere. He could feel John's pulse inside him, and that was just tripping him out.

"I'm going to try to pull out," he murmured, though he wasn't really sure how much was filtering through at the moment. "Just breathe and be still."

"Mmmmmkay...." It hurt a little, but really, John was feeling way too good to notice it much. There was something buzzing around in the back of his head, but he couldn't quite pin it down. "S'good," he said. "All good."

Rodney started to draw his hand back a little at a time, and ultimately, after one false start and a little adjusting, he came out of John a lot more easily than he'd expected to. The instant his hand was free, he stripped off the glove and tossed it, moving over John to gather him up tight and drag a blanket over them both.

"You're warm," John mumbled, leaning against Rodney. "Feels good." It did, but there was still something nagging at him, something about Rodney and....

"Oh hey...need to do you...right?"

Rodney was nervous that he'd missed something, that there was some form of aftercare he should be offering, but John was so sincere, and they were, Rodney figured, still in scene. He nodded and undid the cuffs carefully, releasing John's wrists. Then he guided John's hand to his fly. "Want you to stay right here while you do it," he murmured, scooting a little closer.

"Not like I could move," John said, trying to pull himself together enough to undo Rodney's jeans. He managed and between the two of them, they got jeans and shorts out of the way. Rodney's dick was hard and already slick around the head and John grinned at Rodney as he began to jerk him off.

"'s good...that you were into it. I was worried."

Grunting, Rodney had to take a second to find words, to register what John was saying because he'd kind of forgotten about how hard his cock was. John's hand felt _incredible,_ and the pleasure was overwhelming.

"Trust me," he finally got out, hand tightening on John's wrist, "totally into it."

"Mmmm," John said, picking up the pace a little. "Like it when you hold my wrist."

Rodney was being careful not to pull or guide John anymore; the movements were perfect, the grip exactly what Rodney needed. "Yeah," he gasped as he got closer, "tell me what else you like."

"Being yours," John murmured, nuzzling Rodney's neck.

That was it. Rodney had never managed to figure out why the idea of _owning_ John like this did him in every time, but it never failed. He arched sharply and came, mouth open as he choked out breathless cries.

When the aftershocks faded and he came back a little, he realized he was still gripping John's wrist. He let go, then brought it up to his mouth, kissing the patch of skin where the cuffs had rubbed a little, and then he just rested John's palm against his chest, letting him feel the way Rodney's heart raced.

"Like that too...seeing you come." John was beginning to come out of it now and for once, he found himself resisting the return to normalcy. _I'm going to miss him so fucking much,_ he thought, but it was too late to say it; he knew better than to dump that on Rodney right now.

_But maybe...just maybe...I could see him in a couple weeks. Over break. Boston's not that far from home, after all._

Rodney wanted to cling. He wanted, for a panicky, irrational moment, to simply refuse to go, to just...not board the plane, not follow through. But then what?

_Then nothing. Then you make a mess you can't clean up._ He sighed, turning toward John and wrapping an arm around him, just wanting to keep him close. He didn't want to hear any words; there wasn't any point to that. He just wanted to put tomorrow off a little while longer.


	6. About the Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story has reached a branching point and has two endings.

How this works: We've written up two possible ways things could have worked out for John and Rodney after Rodney returned to MIT from his short time at Stanford. The one thing I should tell you before you make your decision, is that in something like six years of writing together, Hilary and I have never once written an unhappy ending. Take that as you will. :)

[Ending One](http://archiveofourown.org/works/92164) \-- the more angsty version. It's also the one that sticks, as much as possible, to canon.

[Ending Two](http://archiveofourown.org/works/92165) \-- actually isn't angsty at all. It's also not particularly canon.

Of course, there's nothing stopping you from reading both endings!

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the Tom Petty song "Love Is a Long Road."


End file.
